Alpha of the Millennium (The Millennium Wolves 02) by Sapir Alexandra Englard at Inkitt

Blurb

Eve is powerful, fearless, and on a mission she can’t refuse. Protecting the high-profile Morgan family puts her in the crosshairs of rogue werewolves, vampires, and dark forces—and her destined mate, Killian Darrow, blurs the line between duty and desire. Can she survive the danger and embrace the Alpha she was born to be?

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Original (First 500)

London, England

May 16, 2014

The clock ticked midnight and I closed my eyes, letting the sound of the Big Ben echo through the square, the neighborhood, the quiet city of London. The sound was rich and bombastic, carried away by the slapping wind, and I would’ve smiled at its familiarity had I remembered what it was like to smile from the heart.

Another sound invaded the quiet while the bells began to diminish. That sound was rougher, rugged, that of a motorcycle. Across the square from where I was sitting, a bike appeared, its rider draped in dark leather clothes, thinking himself to be a cool gangster, but I knew better. He rounded the square dramatically, riding over puddles on purpose so he could splash water like the little kid he was, and then stopped right next to me. Show-off, I thought disapprovingly as he removed his black helmet and, as if he was in a hair-conditioner commercial, flipped his dark gold hair so the silky locks wouldn’t simply be messy, but orderly so. Then he opened his gold-flecked brown eyes that seemed like molten honey that melted many a woman, and gave me a grin full of dimples and sin.

Killian Darrow was nothing if not a charming son of a bitch, but no one should underestimate him; he might be a pretty boy, but he had a mind sharper than a scalp, held ruthlessness within that he mostly concealed, but let pop out here and there. All in all, though, he was good people, and he was one of mine. That, including his intelligence and the excellent job he was doing for me, made him of deep value to me.

He was also my ward.

“You look just the same as you did a couple of years ago,” he said as a way of greeting while I rose to my feet. He scanned me from head to toe and back, and his lips curled into a mocking smirk. “Your fashion statement also stayed the same.”

I glanced down at my black hiking pants, black cape on top of black, baggy tee, black hiking boots, and black scarf and gloves, and knew he was right. “It’s necessary,” I responded dispassionately. “It helps me blend better.” Because if I were to wear what I truly wanted, I would’ve attracted too much attention, and that wasn’t acceptable.

“I know that,” he said, tucking his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “I just wish I could see you in other clothes, because as far as I’m concerned, your wardrobe consists of this outfit only.”

He wasn’t wrong but talking about my attire was not the reason we were meeting tonight in such a secluded part of the city, with no one around but us. “Killian,” I said, giving him my hard stare, the one that had once made his knees shake, but now only made him arch an eyebrow. “While I love talking to you after so long…

My Edit

London, England
May 16, 2014

The clock ticked midnight, and I closed my eyes, letting the sound of Big Ben echo through the square, the neighborhood, the city of London. The sound was rich and bombastic, carried away by the slapping wind. I would’ve smiled at its familiarity—had I remembered how.

A different sound echoed through the square as the bells faded. Rougher. Rugged.
Across the square, a motorcycle appeared, its rider clad in dark leather. Killian rounded the square dramatically, riding through puddles on purpose so he could splash water like the little kid he was. He stopped on a dime, a foot away from me.

Show-off.

He removed his helmet and flipped his dark gold hair like he was in a shampoo commercial. Then he looked at me with eyes the color of molten honey and flashed a grin full of dimples and sin.

“Long time,” my ward said as I rose to my feet. He scanned me from head to toe. "You look good," he added, grinning, the ever-present glint of mischief in his eye. "Same outfit."

I glanced down at my black-on-black outfit—hiking pants, cape, baggy tee, and boots. I shrugged. “It helps me blend.”

He acknowledged that with a jerk of his head and another full-body scan, this one longer, assessing, dangerous.

“Killian,” I said, giving him my hard stare—the one that had once made his knees shake but now only made him arch an eyebrow. “While I love talking to you after so long…

(Original word count: ~500 → Edited: ~212)

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Critique

The writing in the first two paragraphs is about as perfect an introduction to a first chapter as one could ask for, and is particularly refreshing in a Prologue which is usually just a fancy word for Infodump. The last line of the first paragraph stabbed me in the gut, the second paragraph made me smile, and the first sentence of the third paragraph almost made me laugh out loud.

Setting
Big Ben at midnight, in the rain. Already atmospheric with the "bombastic" bells, and then we get the vrooming of the motorcycle. The action of the motorcycle splashing through puddles and stopping in front of the POV character is easy to follow -- and cool. What the heck? What a great way to start a story!

Characterization
We have the POV character, Eve; older, over it, likes to blend. And we have Killian, a gorgeous show-off. A nice contrast in personalities. We know from the reading ahead that they're meeting so that he can hand over a piece of information he found that is important to the POV character.

I'm a little disturbed to see Eve describe her ward as having, "a grin full of dimples and sin." I'm not sure what the age difference is, but this comes off as a bit creepy with the power imbalance alone. That, combined with Killian's obvious flirtation makes me wonder if these two characters are supposed to become romantic partners.

For her part, Eve is not at all encouraging, and Killian seems like a born flirt, but I would like their dynamic to be a little clearer.

Conflict/Tension
We have the conflict in personalities as described in the Characterization section. We have Killian trying to prologue the conversation, flirting, and we have Eve trying to get to the point. That push-and-pull dynamic drives the first interaction, even when the dialogue meanders a bit.

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Final Thoughts

There is a little bit of extra exposition with Killian's intro and description, and most of the rest of the scene is bad flirting and vague dialogue. In my version, I cut about half of the word count. I didn't have to add any details or fill in any blanks. I just took away extraneous passages that slowed down the narrative, and condensed the dialogue.  

Now that I’ve talked about what works overall, let’s look closer at a section that could be trimmed for greater impact. To show what I mean about extra exposition, let's parse this passage:

Another sound invaded the quiet while the bells began to diminish. That sound was rougher, rugged, that of a motorcycle. Across the square from where I was sitting, a bike appeared, its rider draped in dark leather clothes, thinking himself to be a cool gangster, but I knew better. He rounded the square dramatically, riding over puddles on purpose so he could splash water like the little kid he was, and then stopped right next to me. Show-off, I thought disapprovingly as he removed his black helmet and, as if he was in a hair-conditioner commercial, flipped his dark gold hair so the silky locks wouldn’t simply be messy, but orderly so. Then he opened his gold-flecked brown eyes that seemed like molten honey that melted many a woman, and gave me a grin full of dimples and sin.

This is great. In one paragraph, you get a man, who is still part boy, zoom in on a motorcycle, stop on a dime, and give a grin "full of dimples and sin". Wow. That is dramatic, and it tells us a lot about this guy in one paragraph. The "show-off" line tells us a lot about the narrator, as well as her wry comment about the hair-conditioner commercial. Also, the fact that this is supposed to be a clandestine meeting, and he zooms in on a loud motorcycle. Awesome.

However, there is a full sentence in this paragraph that we don't need. We can cut out: "Across the square from where I was sitting, a bike appeared, its rider draped in dark leather clothes, thinking himself to be a cool gangster, but I knew better." All of the information in this sentence is shown through action, imagery, and the "show-off" line. 

We also have a couple of sentences with awkward phrasing. This one: "Show-off, I thought disapprovingly as he removed his black helmet and, as if he was in a hair-conditioner commercial, flipped his dark gold hair so the silky locks wouldn’t simply be messy, but orderly so," contains too much action in one sentence. Also, the final phrase, "flipped his dark gold hair so the silky locks wouldn't simply be messy, but orderly so," is indicated by the "hair-conditioner commercial".

Here's the same paragraph, only with the unnecessary words crossed out:

Another sound invaded the quiet while the bells began to diminish. That sound was rougher, rugged, that of a motorcycle. Across the square from where I was sitting, a bike appeared, its rider draped in dark leather clothes, thinking himself to be a cool gangster, but I knew better. He rounded the square dramatically, riding over puddles on purpose so he could splash water like the little kid he was, and then stopped right next to me. Show-off, I thought disapprovingly as he removed his black helmet and, as if he was in a hair-conditioner commercial, flipped his dark gold hair so the silky locks wouldn’t simply be messy, but orderly so. Then he opened his gold-flecked brown eyes that seemed like molten honey that melted many a woman, and gave me a grin full of dimples and sin.

Without the extraneous description, the action of the scene reads more dramatically. With my edit, I refined the paragraph, and ended up with this: 

A different sound echoed through the square as the bells faded. Rougher. Rugged.
Across the square, a motorcycle appeared, its rider clad in dark leather. Killian rounded the square dramatically, riding through puddles on purpose so he could splash water like the little kid he was. He stopped on a dime, a foot away from me.

Show-off.

He removed his helmet and flipped his dark gold hair like he was in a shampoo commercial. Then he looked at me with eyes the color of molten honey and flashed a grin full of dimples and sin.

I separated the paragraph into three, to give the action room to breath. I made "show-off" it's own paragraph, instead of part of a sentence. This emphasizes the narrator's wry opinion of Killian's dramatic entrance. I also changed "hair-conditioner" to "shampoo" because it reads more smoothly. The original paragraph was great, but with the edit, we get a condensed version of all of the sharpest observations and commentary, and it reads much more powerfully than before.

Dialogue is another area that needs a bit of tightening:

“You look just the same as you did a couple of years ago,” he said as a way of greeting while I rose to my feet. He scanned me from head to toe and back, and his lips curled into a mocking smirk. “Your fashion statement also stayed the same.”

I glanced down at my black hiking pants, black cape on top of black, baggy tee, black hiking boots, and black scarf and gloves, and knew he was right. “It’s necessary,” I responded dispassionately. “It helps me blend better.” Because if I were to wear what I truly wanted, I would’ve attracted too much attention, and that wasn’t acceptable.

“I know that,” he said, tucking his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “I just wish I could see you in other clothes, because as far as I’m concerned, your wardrobe consists of this outfit only.”

This is a lot of words, and I'm not a hundred percent sure what it's supposed to convey. The impression I get is that he has a crush on her, but if he's flirting, he's bad at it. These are all neutral statements, and aside from the mocking smirk (which seems ruder than I think is intended), his actions are neutral, too. 

In the edit, I cut down most of the dialogue and exposition, but kept the vibe of him flirting with her that I think the author was going for (inappropriate or not). Here’s what that exchange looks like when pared down to more realistic but subtle flirting on his side, and total lack of flirting on hers:

“Long time,” my ward said as I rose to my feet. He scanned me from head to toe. "You look good," he added, grinning, the ever-present glint of mischief in his eye. "Same outfit."

I glanced down at my black-on-black outfit—hiking pants, cape, baggy tee, and boots. I shrugged. “It helps me blend.”

He acknowledged that with a jerk of his head and another full-body scan, this one longer, assessing, dangerous.

I changed, "you look the same" to "you look good" -- still innocuous, but more of a direct compliment. I cut the fashion critique down to "same outfit", and I made him say a lot with his "full-body scan". The edit makes his words and actions a little more obviously on the inappropriately-flirting-with-my-guardian side, but subtle enough that she can't call him out on anything specific. 

All of that said, if I was to decide whether or not to read this book based on the first 500 words, I would say "yes". Sorry, that's an understatement. I would say, "YES!" Even with a bit of wordiness, the story nails all the essentials: an intriguing setting, interesting character dynamics, and immediate tension. I’m a sucker for spy stories, and with an opening that starts with a roaring motorcycle and a shampoo-ad hair flip — I'm in.