Between the Crystals by CrystalScherer on Wattpad

Original:

I warily eased through the undergrowth, finally spotting the apple tree I'd come to check on. My shoulders slumped when I saw every apple was gone. Another village must have picked them even though they were only half ripe. 

I examined the forest around me, hoping to find something worthwhile to take back or report. Apart from a handful of dandelions springing back up, there was nothing edible. My trip had come to naught. With a sigh, I turned to go back.

The birds above stopped singing. Even as I froze, faint rustling in the shrubs sent my heart racing. I furtively glanced over my shoulder, catching a glimpse of blue reptile-like scales stalking through the shrubs about a hundred paces away.

A Saursune. There was no way it didn't know I was here. Not at that range, not with its sense of smell. Abandoning any attempt at stealth, I bolted back the way I'd come.

My hand-stitched leather shoes thudded against the forest leaf litter as I careened full-tilt down the trail. A faint hiss and heavier footsteps followed. I didn't dare look back.

I rounded a bend, skidding on the loose forest debris as I desperately raced back to the crystal formation. A rumbling growl came from the side -- the Saursune was circling around to cut me off -- toying with me like a cat with a mouse. Preparing to pounce, or perhaps just chasing me off to send a warning. There was no way to know unless I escaped alive.

Fear goaded me to even greater speeds. I didn't reach for the knife on my belt -- I didn't dare. Unarmed, it might be content with chasing me off. Brandishing a weapon in any form was certain death. Against a Saursune, my small flint knife was useless. I'd be better off attacking a grizzly.

Through a gap in the bushes, I spotted a lithe form far too my right. On four feet, the dark blue reptile's back was almost chest-high on me. The longer horns marked it as a male. His bared teeth glinted in the sunlight as he glared at me. This Saursune wasn't wearing armor or a belt. No phasers or other weapons -- not that he needed them when his claws were as long as my small knife. 

With a hiss, the adult male began bounding through the bushes toward me, covering the distance between us far too quickly. My heart hammered in my chest as my eyes locked onto the waist-high bluish-green crystal spires growing out of the soil. I was almost there!

With a soft cry, I dropped to my knees and skidded across the grass as I clapped my hands onto one of the spires, desperately visualizing a similar crystal in the desert while whispering the location name.

It felt like sunlight was shimmering through my veins, and my vision blurred like I was caught in a heat haze. Within a couple of seconds, the forest greens turned to desert tans, then cleared. The Saursune was gone, left behind in the forest.

Thoughts:

When I first heard the writing advice to start with action, I always assumed it had to be like, a gunfight or a car chase or something. In this case, it's a scary alien chasing a girl, but that doesn't start until the third paragraph. The first paragraph introduces conflict immediately. She's looking for food, another village has taken it. There's no suggestion that the other village is at war with our MC's village, but again, conflict doesn't have to be violent in order to be devastating.

The second paragraph indicates that she's not just responsible for feeding herself but that she's on a larger mission for her own village. The tension within the character ratchets up a notch. By the third paragraph, when the birds stop singing and she spots the Saursune, we've escalated a few more notches. Now the MC is in immediate danger.

And think about this: the MC is probably one of a few people who can go around scavenging, right? There are elderly, injured, infirm, and children who are depending on her. So, if she dies, the affect on the village is higher than if she's only looking for food for herself.  Also, the fact that the fruit the other village took wasn't even ripe suggests desperation that comes from a food shortage, rather than just regular harvesting. Three paragraphs in, and we have incredibly high stakes, but there's been no dialogue and no bloodshed. And THEN, we have a life-or-death chase, we have magical crystals and alien lizards. I'm so in.

Anyway, I just wanted to showcase this as a First 500 that is already excellent. I could nitpick here and there, but honestly, this is pretty much perfect. Also, I've read ahead a couple of chapters, and the writing quality is consistent, and the story only gets more interesting. I'll keep reading, for sure. Highly recommend, based on what I've read.

The Summer I Drowned by solacing on Wattpad

Blurb

It's been years since Olivia nearly drowned in Caldwell Beach, and after moving away, she's back for the summer to reconnect with old friends. However, not everything-or everyone-is the same. Her childhood best friend, Miles, is still sweet and carefree, but his older brother West is not. Disowned and working at the local garage, he's distanced himself from everyone, until Olivia accidentally uncovers the reason why. But as the two grow closer, strange things begin happening to Olivia. She can't stop seeing shadows and hearing voices, but as she slips into a downward spiral of obsessiveness and paranoia, she must fight to uncover the truth behind who is after her, and why.

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Original (First 500)

Growing up in Caldwell Beach, there were rules hammered into our heads designed to keep us safe. Don't swim too far out into the ocean, or the undertow will pull you in. Don't climb trees if they extend over the water, because you'll fall with them if they break. 

Like most little kids, I didn't listen. My friends and I swam deep into the Atlantic Ocean every chance we got and hoped someday we'd reach the spot where the sun sparkled on the horizon. We'd get tired before then, of course, and the waves would carry us back to the rocky Maine shore. But even when the undertow pushed and pulled at my feet, I was never scared -- a girl like me was made for the water. Sometimes I fantasized that if it did get me, it would carry me to the land of mermaids, right where I belonged.

But one rule was repeated so often, it became more of a superstitious warning: never, ever play on the cliffs. Especially the one by the lighthouse.

I obeyed that rule -- when I was in kindergarten, fifteen-year-old Samwell Ellis cracked his skull open as he scaled the cliff's edge, and our teacher told us a sea monster had taken him. Our town was small -- we believed no one died unless they were old or sick -- so it made sense a monster was responsible for the boy's death. The Ellis family then packed up and moved away, calling the town a curse, which fueled the legends and rumors that dominoed through my classroom.

It wasn't until I was old enough to question my parents that they finally told me the truth. Monsters didn't kill anyone; it was an accident brought on by teenage recklessness. 

Even years later, that story still spiraled in my head; it was all I could think about as I gripped the flimsy rope fence, my toes only inches away from the cliff's edge. I wiggled them until the white rubber of my Vans moved. I'd heard you could get a better grip climbing rock without shoes, but only if your skin was strong enough to withstand the jagged edges. There's no way anyone's skin could be that thick.

Sure, teenage recklessness had killed Samwell Ellis in this very spot, but I wasn't a teenager -- I had just turned twelve. I clung to that fact, as if it would protect me.

Cool wind licked my bare arms and legs. The ocean sloshed fifty feet below, inky and terrifying, and jaw-like rocks lined the curve of the cliff. One wrong move and I would fall. My body would become a waterlogged lump of flesh and disappear into the ocean, rot away like the whale corpses they showed us on Planet Earth in class. Maybe a shark would eat me, or maybe I'd become food for a school of fish.

The thought was almost enough to make me turn back.

"Liv, stop," Miles said from behind me. "Seriously, we're going to get in trouble!"

His blue-green eyes came into focus. The lighthouse faded into the churning clouds. Miles's curls whipped around his face as the thunder growled, and light rain began to sprinkle onto my arms.

Miles is right, this is stupid.

But then Faye Hendrick's face flared in my mind and said I was way too chicken to complete the cliff challenge. Faye had done it as some sort of initiation into being accepted by the older kids, and now everyone in our class thought she had more guts than me.

Screw that. All I had to do was climb down the cliff, reach the one rock called checkpoint, and climb back up. Piece of cake.

"Your sister's a jerk, Miles. Take a video. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

Miles whimpered as my bare knees sank into the cold, soggy grass. Icy rain pelted me until my skin was bumpy and purple, the veins on my hands, thin blue snakes. A deep breath and I climbed over the edge. Concentrated adrenaline coursed through me, but the rocks, though slick with water, kept me in place.

Breathe. You can do this; just breathe.

One step down. And another. I was just going to make it. Just a few more steps. 

But right before checkpoint, my foot slipped -- and I fell.

My Edit

"Liv, stop," Miles Hendrick said from behind me. "Remember Sam-"

"Miles!" I turned. Miles' curls whipped around his face as the thunder growled. "Are you trying to jinx me?" 

When we were in kindergarten, fifteen-year-old Samwell Ellis cracked his skull open as he scaled the lighthouse cliff, and our teacher told us a sea monster had taken him. The Ellis family moved away soon after, calling the town a curse, which did nothing to dispute the legend. 

Rain began to fall, light but icy. Miles didn't say anything but his blue-green eyes were worried. Churning fog swallowed the base of the lighthouse behind him. I sighed, turning back toward the cliff's edge. 

Cool wind licked my bare arms and legs. The ocean sloshed fifty feet below, inky and terrifying, and jaw-like rocks lined the curve of the cliff. One wrong move and I would fall. My body would become a waterlogged lump of flesh and disappear into the ocean, rot away like the whale corpses they showed us on Planet Earth in class. Maybe a shark would eat me, or maybe sea monsters were real. Miles was right, this was stupid. I poised to turn back.

Faye Hendrick flashed in my mind, saying I was way too chicken to complete the cliff challenge. She had done it as some sort of initiation into being accepted by the older kids, and now everyone in our class thought she had more guts than me.

Screw that. All I had to do was climb down the cliff, reach the one rock everyone called Checkpoint, and then climb back up. Piece of cake. If Miles' sister could do it, so could I.

"Just take the video," I said over my shoulder.

I gripped the flimsy rope fence, the toes of my Vans only inches away from the cliff's edge. Miles didn't argue with me anymore, but I could hear him whimper as my bare knees sank into the cold, soggy grass. 

I didn't look up at him, I didn't dare, or I'd lose my nerve. I took a deep breath and climbed over the edge. Adrenaline coursed through me, but the rocks, though slick, were firm footholds. My fingers gripped the rock face as though my life depended on it. 

Breathe. You can do this; just breathe.

One step down. Another. Another. I was going to make it. A few more steps. 

One step away from Checkpoint, my foot slipped. My freezing fingers couldn't hold my weight. I fell.

(Original word count: ~722 → Edited: ~416)

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Critique

The original excerpt is very strong writing that seamlessly interweaves setting and characterization with conflict and tension. Some minor tweaks to the order of the scene, like starting with Miles trying to stop Olivia and then going into Samwell's back story tightens the narrative a bit and heightens the stakes of the scene. 

Setting

Miles whimpered as my bare knees sank into the cold, soggy grass. Icy rain pelted me until my skin was bumpy and purple, the veins on my hands, thin blue snakes. A deep breath and I climbed over the edge. Concentrated adrenaline coursed through me, but the rocks, though slick with water, kept me in place.

This is an excellent example of scene setting because it is integrated seamlessly not only into the action but into characterization. I love that Miles is whimpering, not out of fear for himself, but for his friend. It shows him to not only be a more timid (or sensible) character, but also a caring one. And it shows Olivia's focus. She's aware of her surroundings in a very visceral way but in the way that happens when adrenaline is trying to keep us safe.

Characterization
The characterization is also solid. From this short excerpt, we get that Olivia is brave, competitive, and focused. She doesn't belittle Miles' fear, and she almost turns back because of her own fear. 

My body would become a waterlogged lump of flesh and disappear into the ocean, rot away like the whale corpses they showed us on Planet Earth in class.

This is such a great line. It exposes her age and the context where she gets her information, and highlights her imagination. The catastrophizing is relatable and visceral and ratchets up the tension.

Miles is less dimensional, uniformly worried about the danger and "getting in trouble". I think that line in particular undercuts his fear for her safety. It's also a line that any character in any book could say. If we were more specific, for instance, if he brought up Samwell, then he would feel like he belongs in this story, not just any story. 

As-is, I like their dynamic. I like that she doesn't taunt him for being scared and I like that he doesn't call her stupid for doing this. There is a sense of equality in the relationship. However, since this is our first introduction to these characters, a touch more dialogue specific to this world would add more dimension to his character. 

Conflict/Tension

Obviously, a girl in a story called "The Summer I Drowned" on a cliff face in freezing rain is a premise fraught with tension. The author is good at playing up the tension with lines like, "I gripped the flimsy rope fence, my toes only inches away from the cliff's edge." and "The ocean sloshed fifty feet below, inky and terrifying, and jaw-like rocks lined the curve of the cliff."

We do lose a bit of the immediacy with the amount of set-up and back story we get at the beginning of the original excerpt. I ended up trimming the first 175 words so that we could get to the action a bit quicker.

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Final Thoughts

It's rare to find a prologue being used so effectively. Since the main story takes place years after the summer Olivia "drowned", it's smart to give us the drowning up front, without making us wait for a flashback or something. It's a great intro to Olivia's character at age twelve so that we can immediately compare her with her aged up character, and, frankly, it's just smart to start the story on a really exciting scene.

The author does spend a lot of time setting up the danger of the ocean through rumination. The writing is fine, but it makes the story feel more philosophical and ruminative, whereas I think the intention of the scene is to be as suspenseful and exciting as possible. 

That said, I like that the kids are written as believable twelve-year-olds without dumbing down the writing. Olivia in particular, feels like a specific, young, person. Between the excerpt and the blurb, this is a really promising start to a story.