Wednesday, August 20, 2025

Between the Crystals by CrystalScherer on Wattpad

Blurb

The aliens kill every human they catch, or in rare cases, put trackers on them to discover their hidden villages. When Natalie is caught in an ambush, she is unexpectedly released. But there is no tracker. The Saursunes have an entirely different motive this time.

***

Run. Don't look back.

When Natalie is trapped in an alien ambush, she is unexpectedly released. The first human to ever be let go.

The Saursunes invaded centuries ago, and everyone knows that getting caught is certain death. Natalie is confused but grateful to be alive. As a porter, one of the few humans with the rare ability to teleport between special crystal formations, she must leave the safety of her desert village every day to help gather food.

When other villages increase their raids on the Saursunes' farms, the aliens retaliate by hunting down every human they can find - except Natalie's group. Instead of trying to kill her and those helping her, they bring them food instead.

Is it a trap? Or something else? Natalie isn't sure, but one thing is certain: the Saursunes aren't done with her yet.



Original (First 500)

I warily eased through the undergrowth, finally spotting the apple tree I'd come to check on. My shoulders slumped when I saw every apple was gone. Another village must have picked them even though they were only half ripe. 

I examined the forest around me, hoping to find something worthwhile to take back or report. Apart from a handful of dandelions springing back up, there was nothing edible. My trip had come to naught. With a sigh, I turned to go back.

The birds above stopped singing. Even as I froze, faint rustling in the shrubs sent my heart racing. I furtively glanced over my shoulder, catching a glimpse of blue reptile-like scales stalking through the shrubs about a hundred paces away.

A Saursune. There was no way it didn't know I was here. Not at that range, not with its sense of smell. Abandoning any attempt at stealth, I bolted back the way I'd come.

My hand-stitched leather shoes thudded against the forest leaf litter as I careened full-tilt down the trail. A faint hiss and heavier footsteps followed. I didn't dare look back.

I rounded a bend, skidding on the loose forest debris as I desperately raced back to the crystal formation. A rumbling growl came from the side -- the Saursune was circling around to cut me off -- toying with me like a cat with a mouse. Preparing to pounce, or perhaps just chasing me off to send a warning. There was no way to know unless I escaped alive.

Fear goaded me to even greater speeds. I didn't reach for the knife on my belt -- I didn't dare. Unarmed, it might be content with chasing me off. Brandishing a weapon in any form was certain death. Against a Saursune, my small flint knife was useless. I'd be better off attacking a grizzly.

Through a gap in the bushes, I spotted a lithe form far too my right. On four feet, the dark blue reptile's back was almost chest-high on me. The longer horns marked it as a male. His bared teeth glinted in the sunlight as he glared at me. This Saursune wasn't wearing armor or a belt. No phasers or other weapons -- not that he needed them when his claws were as long as my small knife. 

With a hiss, the adult male began bounding through the bushes toward me, covering the distance between us far too quickly. My heart hammered in my chest as my eyes locked onto the waist-high bluish-green crystal spires growing out of the soil. I was almost there!

With a soft cry, I dropped to my knees and skidded across the grass as I clapped my hands onto one of the spires, desperately visualizing a similar crystal in the desert while whispering the location name.

It felt like sunlight was shimmering through my veins, and my vision blurred like I was caught in a heat haze. Within a couple of seconds, the forest greens turned to desert tans, then cleared. The Saursune was gone, left behind in the forest.


Critique

To be honest, the blurb isn't that compelling, but I have a thing for gems (my name is Crystal) and I thought the title cover art were cool. I was looking for a Sci-Fi Saturday post entry, and wasn't expecting much. But the writing is so good. Not perfect -- I can nitpick anything to death -- but really compelling setting, characterization, and conflict/tension. The thing about good writing is that you're thinking more about the story than that way it's told, so for me, someone who nitpicks everything to death, it's really hard to find that. I'm going to try to nail down what was so good about this, and then we'll be real mean about dumb little things that don't matter. Sound good?

Setting
We have two settings: a lush green forest teeming with life, and a stark beige desert. Neither get, like, a descriptive paragraph or anything (we get to the desert just as the excerpt ends), but we get flashes of imagery like, undergrowth, a handful of dandelions, birds that stop singing, the flash of a blue/black reptile spotted through a gap in the bushes. It's evocative without losing focus on the main point of the excerpt.

My favorite part is the "waist-high bluish-green crystal spires growing out of the soil". It's these crystals that Natalie uses to teleport. This excerpt doesn't really go into it, but basically, wherever these crystals grow, you can touch them and teleport to a different location with other crystal. It's pretty cool worldbuilding. I like that we only get as much as we absolutely need to know for the scene to make sense, with the understanding that we'll learn more about them as we go along. It's done really organically, especially for an action scene that we don't want bogged down with a ton of worldbuilding.

Instead, we get worldbuilding with other subtle clues like hand-stitched leather shoes, and a lizard whose claws alone are bigger than the blade on the small knife she carries. Also, the use of the phrase "another tribe" indicates that Natalie is also in a tribe. And what keeps us from thinking that she might be Native American or from some other part of our mundane world, we have giant lizards and magical crystals.

Characterization
We don't have any dialogue in this excerpt, but we do learn a lot about this character. Natalie (we know her name from the blurb) is resourceful. She's come to this clearing to check on some apple tree growth, and sees that the trees have been picked clean, even though there was no way for the apples could only have been half-ripe. She concludes that another tribe must have been desperate. I like this moment for two reasons: one, she immediately looks around for anything else she can scavenge, so she's resourceful, and two, she's not angry at the other tribe. She doesn't assume that only her tribe deserves food, and she doesn't condemn the other tribe for being selfish. 

Natalie is also very athletic. She sprints through a forest, a known tripping-hazard zone, and at the same time, she recognizes that the lizard is playing with her because it could overwhelm  her at any time. Her only chance at survival is taking advantage of the fact that the lizard is playing with her. I love that. She's constantly assessing the lizard's proximity, its intentions, its gender, the fact that it's not armed (another nice bit of worldbuilding to include). So, she's quick on her feet both mentally and physically.

We don't really get to know if she also enjoying snuggling up with a book on rainy days, but that's not really relevant to the scene. It's smart writing to understand which aspects of your character's personality to explore based on the situation they're in, especially in an intro to a new story. (A lot of new authors try to cram the character's bio into the first paragraph.) We have no idea if Natalie has siblings, parents, and we don't even know her name or what she looks like, and that's great.

Since we are in her POV, I would like a little bit more of her internal dialogue, a sense of despair or frustration when she sees that the apple tree is picked clean. Slumped shoulders could mean a lot of things. Also, how does she feel about the alien? Is she grossed out or fascinated? We don't really get an emotional reaction, just an intellectual one. 

Conflict/Tension
Ooh, boy, do we have tension. I love the escalation of tension with the apple tree being picked clean, which indicates long-term survival issues, and then the immediacy of running from a huge alien lizard who is playing with us. 


Final Thoughts

I will say, one of my nitpicks about the writing is that to indicate that Natalie is disappointed to find the trees picked clean, she, as the narrator says, "my shoulders slumped". Shoulders slumping is a result of an inner reaction, like the energy draining from your body. If you're inside your body, you just feel depleted, but you probably won't notice what your shoulders are doing. It's like a POV character saying "I furrowed my brow." Sigh. "I was confused," is the observation from inside the body, a furrowed brow is the way another character looks when they are confused. And "my lips curved into a grin" makes me cringe every time. Ugh.

Another nitpick is this sentence: "With a hiss, the adult male began bounding through the bushes toward me, covering the distance between us far too quickly." We've already established that the lizard is an adult male, so referring to it this way is weird and clunky. Also, "With a hiss, it bounded toward me," could be the entire sentence and we'd get the same amount of information and it would read faster and underline the urgency of the moment.

That's it. Those are my nitpicks. Overall, excellent start to a story. The writing shows a lot of confidence in that it focuses only on what the reader needs to know. I like that we start with a big-picture problem of food scarcity among multiple tribes, and then goes into immediate physical danger for our main character, with some worldbuilding (magic transportation crystals) saving the day. The setting, characterization, and tension are all interwoven throughout the excerpt which means that the reader is engaged in the story, rather than putting it together like a puzzle.

Also, a lot of new authors seem to think that we need to be introduced to a character at any random time in their life. This author dropped us into this girl's life at an exact moment when several aspects of the worldbuilding come together at once, we get to see the character under pressure, both immediate and long-term, and we get stakes built into both. It's life or death. You can't get any more dramatic of a moment than this to start a story with. Really smart writing.

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