Blurb
When outcast Alexis Dawson agrees to help Redwood High’s most notorious player, Aaron Walker, a harmless favor turns into a dangerous game of hearts. As fake dating blurs into something real, she must protect a secret that could destroy everything. Jealousy, betrayal, and unexpected love make this “favor” far more complicated than either of them imagined.
Original (First 500)
It was almost time. A minute left on the clock until it struck 3 – the end of school. Gathering all my papers, I stuff them carelessly into my binder. At long last – the weekend was here.
The bell rung and I remained seated, hoping to wait out the crowd of ‘kids’ stampeding their way to the door. When all was clear, I stood up, waved tiredly to the teacher and trudged outside the classroom and into the bleak hallways.
It was Friday, the last day of school until Monday, and, honestly, there was not a more joyous occasion. School was a horror-ridden nightmare, especially when spent alone.
I sighed heavily and opened my locker. Throwing my books in, I turned to glance at myself in the small mirror attached to the wall of the locker door, studying my reflection. My brown hair was up in a pony tail, giving a perfect view of my face. Two brown doe eyes stared back at me and I sighed heavily at the blatant lack of effort I had given into my appearance when getting ready every morning.
“You can keep looking, but it won’t change what you look like.” A voice sneered teasingly from behind me. I whirled on my heel to come face to face with Britney Sanders – otherwise referred to as the girl who had bullied me as soon as she was capable of forming a full sentence. I hated her, but I couldn’t deny the fact that, no matter how fake Britney looked, she was what I aspired to look like. She was gorgeous. Her blonde hair cascaded smoothly down her back, outlining her slim jawline. She wore a floral blouse and shin-length pencil skirt, showing off her thin legs, her entire look ending with ballet flat. Her face was slender and a natural tan coloured her face. She exuded the impression of a Mediterranean goddess.
“What are you staring at?” Britney snapped yet she was smiling slightly. Yes – it was evident in her eyes that she was aware that I envied her. She liked the fact that I would do anything to look like her. However, this didn’t stop the bullying, rather it encouraged it, acting as a means for her to showcase her beauty to a ‘pathetic soul’ such as me every single day, only increasing the envy I felt.
Britney chuckled slightly to herself. “You’re so pathetic.” She squeaked, looking down at her nails. Tears stung at my eyes. I looked around. Students stood and watched as the scene played out – most passed by and ignored my plight yet a few looked in sympathy. Nonetheless, none of them stood up for me. This always happened. No one would be my saviour. But I wouldn’t cry.
No. I had kept a vow to myself that I would never satisfy anyone by letting them see me weak or vulnerable to their taunts. I would never break down.
Britney scowled at me. She always did when I produced no reaction…
It was almost time. A minute left on the clock until it struck 3 – the end of school. Gathering all my papers, I stuff them carelessly into my binder. At long last – the weekend was here.
The bell rung and I remained seated, hoping to wait out the crowd of ‘kids’ stampeding their way to the door. When all was clear, I stood up, waved tiredly to the teacher and trudged outside the classroom and into the bleak hallways.
It was Friday, the last day of school until Monday, and, honestly, there was not a more joyous occasion. School was a horror-ridden nightmare, especially when spent alone.
I sighed heavily and opened my locker. Throwing my books in, I turned to glance at myself in the small mirror attached to the wall of the locker door, studying my reflection. My brown hair was up in a pony tail, giving a perfect view of my face. Two brown doe eyes stared back at me and I sighed heavily at the blatant lack of effort I had given into my appearance when getting ready every morning.
“You can keep looking, but it won’t change what you look like.” A voice sneered teasingly from behind me. I whirled on my heel to come face to face with Britney Sanders – otherwise referred to as the girl who had bullied me as soon as she was capable of forming a full sentence. I hated her, but I couldn’t deny the fact that, no matter how fake Britney looked, she was what I aspired to look like. She was gorgeous. Her blonde hair cascaded smoothly down her back, outlining her slim jawline. She wore a floral blouse and shin-length pencil skirt, showing off her thin legs, her entire look ending with ballet flat. Her face was slender and a natural tan coloured her face. She exuded the impression of a Mediterranean goddess.
“What are you staring at?” Britney snapped yet she was smiling slightly. Yes – it was evident in her eyes that she was aware that I envied her. She liked the fact that I would do anything to look like her. However, this didn’t stop the bullying, rather it encouraged it, acting as a means for her to showcase her beauty to a ‘pathetic soul’ such as me every single day, only increasing the envy I felt.
Britney chuckled slightly to herself. “You’re so pathetic.” She squeaked, looking down at her nails. Tears stung at my eyes. I looked around. Students stood and watched as the scene played out – most passed by and ignored my plight yet a few looked in sympathy. Nonetheless, none of them stood up for me. This always happened. No one would be my saviour. But I wouldn’t cry.
No. I had kept a vow to myself that I would never satisfy anyone by letting them see me weak or vulnerable to their taunts. I would never break down.
Britney scowled at me. She always did when I produced no reaction…
My Edit
The final bell pealed, announcing not just the end of the day, but the start of the weekend. I breathed a sigh of relief, the sound a whisper against the scrapes of thirty chairs on linoleum, thirty kids giggling and shouting out their plans to call each other.
Sam Thompson was having a party. Everyone was invited. I was technically part of everyone, but if I showed up, the actual everyone would wonder why.
The hallway was packed. I was jostled three times on the way to my locker and got two blurted apologies.
I had math homework, so I kept my textbook, but I wouldn’t need my biology textbook, so I dropped that off.
My copy of “Jane Eyre” was under all of my other books. I tugged it out and dropped it into my backpack. I was supposed to have read the whole thing by the end of the semester but could only stomach a page or two at a time. The main character was so meek and pathetic. Too relatable.
I did a quick zit check in the mirror attached to my locker. All clear. But there was a bump in my ponytail. I sighed. How long had it been like that? Probably since after P.E. I tugged out the rubber band and pulled my long brown hair back up into a ponytail, making sure it was smooth this time.
In my mind, I was already home, snuggled up with Tumblr and my cat, so I didn’t notice when the hallway noise faded to silence. My fault for letting my guard down.
“That won’t help.”
I closed my eyes. Britney Maples. Everywhere she went, people hushed. They watched her like she was a movie. To them, she was Elle Woods. To me, she was Heathers -- all of them, all wrapped up into one.
Britney had hated me since pre-school. I'd never been able to figure out why. Mom said she was jealous, but I could never figure out what of. My personal theory was that she had a sixth sense that I was worthless, and was mad that no one else could see it. Turning up now and then to stomp out any budding self-esteem wasn’t bullying — it was justice.
“It’s your face you need to fix,” she added, her saccharine tone echoing down the hallway.
I turned, hoping for once I could come up with a snappy comeback. I gave her the once-over, but of course, she was perfect in her floral blouse, pencil skirt, and ballet flats. Her blonde hair cascaded past her shoulders, catching the light like she had her own personal spotlight. Blue eyes tilted up at the outside corners, like a kitty cat, even without the perfectly-applied eyeliner.
Her eyes narrowed, her mouth curling into that familiar scowl. My silence always drove her crazy — she had no idea it was the only thing keeping me from crying.
Original word count: ~500 → Edited: ~488)
The final bell pealed, announcing not just the end of the day, but the start of the weekend. I breathed a sigh of relief, the sound a whisper against the scrapes of thirty chairs on linoleum, thirty kids giggling and shouting out their plans to call each other.
Sam Thompson was having a party. Everyone was invited. I was technically part of everyone, but if I showed up, the actual everyone would wonder why.
The hallway was packed. I was jostled three times on the way to my locker and got two blurted apologies.
I had math homework, so I kept my textbook, but I wouldn’t need my biology textbook, so I dropped that off.
My copy of “Jane Eyre” was under all of my other books. I tugged it out and dropped it into my backpack. I was supposed to have read the whole thing by the end of the semester but could only stomach a page or two at a time. The main character was so meek and pathetic. Too relatable.
I did a quick zit check in the mirror attached to my locker. All clear. But there was a bump in my ponytail. I sighed. How long had it been like that? Probably since after P.E. I tugged out the rubber band and pulled my long brown hair back up into a ponytail, making sure it was smooth this time.
In my mind, I was already home, snuggled up with Tumblr and my cat, so I didn’t notice when the hallway noise faded to silence. My fault for letting my guard down.
“That won’t help.”
I closed my eyes. Britney Maples. Everywhere she went, people hushed. They watched her like she was a movie. To them, she was Elle Woods. To me, she was Heathers -- all of them, all wrapped up into one.
Britney had hated me since pre-school. I'd never been able to figure out why. Mom said she was jealous, but I could never figure out what of. My personal theory was that she had a sixth sense that I was worthless, and was mad that no one else could see it. Turning up now and then to stomp out any budding self-esteem wasn’t bullying — it was justice.
“It’s your face you need to fix,” she added, her saccharine tone echoing down the hallway.
I turned, hoping for once I could come up with a snappy comeback. I gave her the once-over, but of course, she was perfect in her floral blouse, pencil skirt, and ballet flats. Her blonde hair cascaded past her shoulders, catching the light like she had her own personal spotlight. Blue eyes tilted up at the outside corners, like a kitty cat, even without the perfectly-applied eyeliner.
Her eyes narrowed, her mouth curling into that familiar scowl. My silence always drove her crazy — she had no idea it was the only thing keeping me from crying.
Original word count: ~500 → Edited: ~488)
Critique
The premise — I’m always down for a fake-couple-falls-in-love trope. It’s a classic. I also like the teaser in the blurb that Alexis has her own secret — it adds depth to what could otherwise be a straightforward romantic setup.Setting
We start in a classroom where Alexis is waiting for the clock to turn 3 on a Friday. We’ve all been there. I remember being that kid with no one to whisper or giggle with, so this moment feels very familiar.
If we wanted to play up Alexis’s invisibility, we could have two kids — one in front of her, one behind — talking over her head like she’s not even there.
For my edit, I just started with the bell ringing and let her be invisible. It’s a good way to contrast the neutral way the other kids treat her with Britney’s overwhelming cruelty later.
Characterization
I like the contrast in energy between Alexis and the other kids. She’s excited that it’s Friday, but not for parties or dating or sleepovers. That gives her a lonely vibe without making her pathetic (no matter what Britney says). She doesn’t talk to anyone, and no one talks to her — until Britney.
I had a Britney too — same dynamic, same speechless frustration. She hated me for no reason and tried to humiliate me every chance she got. That’s why this relationship feels so real.
I like that although Alexis has no defenders, she has a backbone. She may not know what to say, but she’ll never let anyone see her cry. There’s a song that came out the year I was born called “Don’t Cry Out Loud” by Melissa Manchester. The chorus goes:
“Don’t cry out loud / Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings / Fly high and proud / And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all.”
That was my anthem in junior high and high school. I can see Alexis living by the same rule.Trying to describe a POV character naturally can be rough, and it almost always involves a mirror. In this case, since most kids keep mirrors in their lockers — and Britney’s about to make fun of Alexis’s looks — is a realistic way to do it.
That said, Alexis describing herself as “doe-eyed” doesn’t sound realistic. It could work if she laments having boring brown eyes but then remembers her grandpa calls her “Bambi” because of her big doe eyes.
In my edit, I just had her fix her ponytail. That way she’s looking in the mirror (so Britney’s comment makes sense), but what she's looking at in the mirror feels more believable.
Britney feels cartoonishly evil — though, to be fair, my own “Britney” did too. At the time, she seemed larger than life. Like Alexis, I couldn’t understand why she hated me, and my mom’s “she’s just jealous” theory never made sense.
My private belief was that she could see my worthlessness and was furious no one else could. Being cruel to me wasn’t bullying — it was justice.
I wove that idea into my edit because it gives Alexis a way to internalize Britney’s cruelty as something she’s rationalized over time, not just accepted. It also shows this is a persistent enough issue that she’s brought it up to her mom.
It also suggests that Alexis and her mom are close enough for Alexis to confide in her.I made Britney’s dialogue a little more realistic and emphasized her charisma so it’s clear why no one steps in — and why Alexis gets tongue-tied. Some people just have that effect — and not all of them use it for evil. Go figure.
We start in a classroom where Alexis is waiting for the clock to turn 3 on a Friday. We’ve all been there. I remember being that kid with no one to whisper or giggle with, so this moment feels very familiar.
If we wanted to play up Alexis’s invisibility, we could have two kids — one in front of her, one behind — talking over her head like she’s not even there.
For my edit, I just started with the bell ringing and let her be invisible. It’s a good way to contrast the neutral way the other kids treat her with Britney’s overwhelming cruelty later.
Characterization
I like the contrast in energy between Alexis and the other kids. She’s excited that it’s Friday, but not for parties or dating or sleepovers. That gives her a lonely vibe without making her pathetic (no matter what Britney says). She doesn’t talk to anyone, and no one talks to her — until Britney.
I had a Britney too — same dynamic, same speechless frustration. She hated me for no reason and tried to humiliate me every chance she got. That’s why this relationship feels so real.
I like that although Alexis has no defenders, she has a backbone. She may not know what to say, but she’ll never let anyone see her cry. There’s a song that came out the year I was born called “Don’t Cry Out Loud” by Melissa Manchester. The chorus goes:
“Don’t cry out loud / Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings / Fly high and proud / And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all.”
That was my anthem in junior high and high school. I can see Alexis living by the same rule.Trying to describe a POV character naturally can be rough, and it almost always involves a mirror. In this case, since most kids keep mirrors in their lockers — and Britney’s about to make fun of Alexis’s looks — is a realistic way to do it.
That said, Alexis describing herself as “doe-eyed” doesn’t sound realistic. It could work if she laments having boring brown eyes but then remembers her grandpa calls her “Bambi” because of her big doe eyes.
In my edit, I just had her fix her ponytail. That way she’s looking in the mirror (so Britney’s comment makes sense), but what she's looking at in the mirror feels more believable.
Britney feels cartoonishly evil — though, to be fair, my own “Britney” did too. At the time, she seemed larger than life. Like Alexis, I couldn’t understand why she hated me, and my mom’s “she’s just jealous” theory never made sense.
My private belief was that she could see my worthlessness and was furious no one else could. Being cruel to me wasn’t bullying — it was justice.
I wove that idea into my edit because it gives Alexis a way to internalize Britney’s cruelty as something she’s rationalized over time, not just accepted. It also shows this is a persistent enough issue that she’s brought it up to her mom.
It also suggests that Alexis and her mom are close enough for Alexis to confide in her.I made Britney’s dialogue a little more realistic and emphasized her charisma so it’s clear why no one steps in — and why Alexis gets tongue-tied. Some people just have that effect — and not all of them use it for evil. Go figure.
Conflict/Tension
Britney doesn’t show up in the until about a third of the way through, and that’s the only part that has any real tension in the original. The first third could be used more effectively. It’s a perfect opportunity to emphasize Alexis’s invisibility and build a quieter kind of tension before the confrontation.
So, in my edit, I made up a party all the kids except Alexis are excited about, and in the hallway, I had three kids bump into her — and two apologize. It gives Alexis a physical presence even though she’s socially invisible.
The original feels more like a synopsis of a chapter — it summarizes more than it dramatizes. I used the existing settings (classroom, hallway, locker) to fill in details that made Alexis feel more like a real person. She has an opinion on Jane Eyre that matches mine — who could’ve guessed?
Britney doesn’t show up in the until about a third of the way through, and that’s the only part that has any real tension in the original. The first third could be used more effectively. It’s a perfect opportunity to emphasize Alexis’s invisibility and build a quieter kind of tension before the confrontation.
So, in my edit, I made up a party all the kids except Alexis are excited about, and in the hallway, I had three kids bump into her — and two apologize. It gives Alexis a physical presence even though she’s socially invisible.
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