This story was supposed to help me explore Darcy's character so that she can be a full person in my mind. I never got far with it, but I do love her.
Original (2005)
Darcy was stumped. She stared into her wardrobe, trying to figure out what to wear. She briefly wondered if she should just go topless and get the fun part started early. But then her stomach rumbled and she didn’t feel like cooking, so she grabbed a tank top and slipped it on. It was black, naturally. With tiny purple hearts and a doubloon-sized skull embroidered on it in tiny beads. It would be dressy enough for almost anywhere, but casual enough if he’d just packed a picnic or something.
Darcy heard banging on the hatch. It was probably the doorknocker she’d attached to it. Sometimes the tide – Darcy’s eye caught the clock –damn the man for being on time! Caught with her hair down, she answered the door. Vincent was there, sparklier than ever, framed against the black waters of the ocean. Appreciating the view, her eyes traveled from his handsome face, all the way down – to his new appendage. It was small, female, and looked like it was about eleven years old. “Crap,” Darcy said.
“Nice to meet you too,” the girl said like a little Miss Smarty Pants. The girl brushed Darcy aside and entered her home. Darcy felt like her inner sanctum was being violated. Vincent had never been invited in, and this brat certainly hadn’t. Darcy swam forward a bit, pushed Vincent back to clear the way, and grabbed the girl who was – touching something! Snatching back her ceramic replication of a bottle of poison, she tossed the girl out the door. Vincent caught the girl as she nearly swooshed past. Both merpeople stared at Darcy in shock.
Carefully replacing the bottle on the side table next to her couch, Darcy turned back to Vincent and friend, and asked politely, “Would you like to come in?”
Vincent shushed the girl who was about to reply. “Maybe we should just be on our way,” he responded. Holding out his hand, he waited for Darcy to take it.
She hesitated. She wasn’t sure what to do with a gentleman, and that more than the pre-teen brat compelled her to stay home. No doubt her memory played tricks on her, making it seem as though those kisses had been better than they actually were. The possibility that she was wrong though, was what made her hold out her hand. He pulled her through the hatch as though she were a delicate, crystal feather. Light, delicate, and beautiful. Once again, she suppressed the urge to turn, swim, and slam the hatch behind her.
As if he could read her mind, Vincent took Darcy’s hand more firmly in his own. Taking both girls by the hand, he led them to a carriage that was attached to a baby whale. He picked up the reins and shook them a little. The whale moved forward, graceful for something that size, under Vincent’s power. She could relate.
“This is my niece, Learah,” Vincent explained. “Her mother is in labor and can’t leave the girl alone for a minute...."
My Edit (2025)
Darcy stared into her wardrobe, trying to figure out what to wear. More importantly, she wondered why she'd agreed to a date with Vincent. Nerdy, adorable, way too nice Vincent. She wondered if she should answer the door topless and really freak him out.
Her stomach rumbled. She sighed. She couldn't really afford to chase off a free dinner. Plus, she still had to work with the guy. She grabbed a black sequined tank top, and slipped it on. She was thinking about what to do with her hair when she heard banging on the hatch of her sunken yacht.
She pulled up the pocket watch the she wore wrapped around her waist and cursed to herself. Of course he was early. Vincent was always early. She sighed, pulling her eyepatch down. If she took the time to put her hair up, he'd think that she was taking a long time to get ready, for him. But if she left it down, the long pink curls were going to be in her way all night. She pulled it into a loose braid over her shoulder as she swam from her room to the companionway and then up to the aft deck.
Along the way, she cursed herself for caring if he'd like her hair in a braid instead of her usual messy bun. She hadn't been on a date since she was fifteen, and even then, she couldn't say that her boyfriend took her out on dates. Did that mean she'd never been on a date? Oh, God. That meant that first date was going to be with Vincent. How pathetic was that? She was probably his first date, too.
Vincent was there, his long grey fin sparkling against the black waters of the ocean. He'd ditched the tie, for once, but wore a short-sleeved button-down shirt. His smile was warm, but a little worried. It should definitely have been more worried. Darcy was going to make him regret asking her out.
Then she noticed that instead of his usual briefcase, he had a small mermaid with him. She had big, watchful, turquoise eyes, a swirling mass of blonde hair, and a turquoise tail that matched her eyes. She was probably around ten or eleven years old.
“Ugh. No thank you,” Darcy said, involuntarily. She did not deal with children. At all.
“Nice to meet you too,” the girl said, in sign language. Darcy blinked. She eyed the girl. The girl's tail was mechanical. There was only one mermaid in the entire kingdom, hell, anywhere in the world that Darcy knew of, who had a mechanical tail and spoke sign language.
Darcy said, glaring at Vincent, who, now, was looking more guilty than nervous. "You brought the princess on our date?"
"It was a last-minute thing," Vincent said, pleadingly, his warm, grey eyes sparkled sweetly in the light that shone through her cockpit windows. "It was either bring her or cancel the date."
"Cancel the date!" Darcy said, glaring harder. Rage flooded her body. She wondered that the water around her didn't boil. "Nevermind, I'll cancel it." She turned to swim back through her companionway, but the flash of the kid's hands stopped her. She turned back.
"I've never met a pirate before," the girl signed, again. "You're not that scary. I like your hair," she added with a grin.
"It's taken me two years to get you to go out with me," Vincent said. "And you said this was my one chance. If I'd cancelled, you'd never agree to go out with me again. And, if I had told you about the kid, you wouldn't have believed me." He still had his pleading look, but that sharky lawyer look that he got when he was talking business was creeping into his gaze. "So," he continued, transitioning into his bargaining tone, "If you would like to reschedule, I can make that happen."
Darcy liked to convince herself that Vincent was boring to look at with his gray eyes and gray tail and gray personality. But his eyes generally held a spark of humor in them, as they did now, his tail was pinstriped with dark and light gray, and his fins were long and flowy. And he never bored her. His off-duty personality was sweet and almost shy, but he was full of stories and when he negotiated with her, his "boring" gray eyes would flash like steel. Now, he waited, a challenging smile twitching at his lips.
She glared at him even more, mostly just to give herself time to think. He'd just given her the option to re-schedule or to let him take her on a date with a tiny brat. She was aware of the unspoken third option, to just cancel and never give him another chance. But, it would have been cowardly. It wasn't like Vincent would have had the option to say no to babysitting a princess -- it was pretty much the only excuse she would have accepted.
She hated the option of cancelling. She'd never admit to anxiety, but the anticipation had made her nearly cancel at least once an hour since she'd agreed, in a moment of pure insanity, to go out with him, once. She didn't want to go through all of that again. But to go on a date with a ten-year-old child in tow? How was that supposed to play out? Actually, she thought, how was that supposed to play out? Did he really think that he could pull off a once-chance date with a kid around? She couldn't help but grin at the thought.
"Alright," she said, mirroring his challenge with her uncovered violet eye. "Wow me."
The way his brows went up said that he was surprised, but his shoulders squared, and he grinned. He held out one hand to her, and gestured toward the bow of her ship with the other. "Your chariot awaits," he said.
It really was a chariot, a golden one, with six silver, mechanical dolphins harnessed to the front of it. Suddenly, she knew she wasn't dressed up enough to go wherever he'd planned to take them. Well, she thought darkly, if she embarrassed him, that was his problem. She wasn't fancy enough to see any of the fancy folk he wanted to parade her in front of, again. He'd be the one who'd be judged for dragging a circus act around.
Darcy took his hand, grimly, and he turned to offer his free hand to the child. "Princess," he murmured.
The little girl ducked her head, blonde hair swishing, and took his hand too. Darcy didn't miss the worshipful gaze the girl shot up at Vincent as they moved toward the chariot. He handed the girl in first, and then turned to Darcy. Registering her wooden expression, he smiled, and kissed her hand. "Don't worry," he said, a promise in his warm gray eyes. "This will be fun."
"Worry," Darcy scoffed, allowing herself to be guided into the carriage. She couldn't help but relax at his words, though. And as he took up the reigns and the dolphins swooshed through the night waters, she allowed herself the tiniest moment to appreciate the luxury of being escorted to a fancy, unknown place, in the dark, with a reasonably attractive man.
And a ten-year-old brat.
(Original word count: ~507 → Edited: ~1222)
Critique
Darcy has a unique voice — snarky and insecure at the same time. She’s a misanthrope, but that cynicism masks a deep insecurity. In the original version, it’s hilarious that she’s completely uninterested in impressing her date or accommodating him or the kid. In my revision, I toned down the child abuse but ramped up her sass toward Vincent, letting her humor cover for vulnerability instead of cruelty.Setting
The original setting wasn’t entirely clear, and I didn’t add much description in my revision — but I did try to orient the reader with a sense of movement as Darcy swam from her bedroom to the deck. At least now, it’s easier to picture her inside a sunken boat. I'll explore setting more in a future draft. In this draft, I was more focused on characterization.Characterization
The original carried a light, almost chick-lit tone, but Darcy is darker. She has a past she’s ashamed of, a strong survival instinct, and intense social anxiety. The bubbly tone didn’t fit her—or me. I gravitate toward interiority and emotional realism, so I leaned into her internal reactions and motivations instead of staying on the surface.
Something I didn’t yet explore is how she knows Vincent. We find out that he’s a lawyer, but we never see how that intersects with her life as a scavenger of sunken ships. That relationship will either need more backstory or a change to his vocation.
In this rewrite, removing the scene where Darcy manhandles the child also fixes Vincent’s earlier passivity. He’s still kind and a little playful, but now he has the quiet confidence of someone who can handle her sharp edges. He senses her discomfort about not being “fancy” enough for wherever he’s taking her and reassures her without condescension.
Conflict/Tension
In the original, the tension came mostly from the kid — contrived, but it showed my instinct that a scene like this needs conflict. I think I avoided deeper tension at the time because I didn’t know how to write a date scene without romantic or sexual charge, and the story was intended for middle grade readers.
Now, I can rely on Darcy’s social anxiety and bluntness to create friction. Vincent’s empathy disarms her — it feels good but also unbearable. Like stepping into a warm room after being out in the cold: the warmth hurts a little. She can’t trust it, because she never knows when she’ll be tossed back into the cold again. That’s why she lives alone, keeping her world small and predictable.
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