Over My Dead Body by RebelleFleur00 on Wattpad

Blurb

Deadly assassins Allegra and Ace have been trying in vain to kill each other for years. With a mutual enemy threatening their mafias, they find themselves in an unexpected alliance, and soon discover killing each other isn't the only temptation they need to resist...

Original (First 500)

I slowly turned the knob on my scope, focusing the red crosshair into the middle of my sight. I slowly rotated my sniper rifle, scanning the five-star restaurant fifteen hundred meters away. My breathing steadied as I laid my eyes upon my target. Francesco De Luca, and he was aligned perfectly within my sight. He was an unpleasant-looking man, to say the least. Overweight, silver hair, the kind of smile that makes your skin crawl. No surprise he was surrounded by escorts half his age. But what else can you expect from a De Luca?

Now the question of the day: Headshot? Or heart shot?

That was always my biggest dilemma during my missions. I contemplated my options as I tapped my finger against the trigger lightly while pursing my lips. I waited for a few moments before I sighed and settled for the head. I held my breath to focus the shot, and quickly pulled the trigger.

His head practically exploded, sending blood flying all over the women he was with as his lifeless body plopped to the floor. His security detail rushed over to him, frantically trying to grasp what just happened as a chorus of screams filled the air. 

"Gotcha." I chuckled as my lips curved into a grin.

I grabbed my sniper rifle, my trusty McMillan Tac-50, and quickly began to pack it up. I dismantled my weapon in record time and dusted myself off before reaching into my pants pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. I hit the bottom of the box three times, before opening it and sliding one out. I lifted it to my mouth as I hummed Fly Me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra. A fucking classic. I slid the box back into my pocket, grabbed my rifle, and made my way downstairs.

The vantage point I picked was an abandoned warehouse about a mile away from the restaurant. Still humming, I quickly descended 5 flights of stairs while I puffed on my cigarette. Sirens screamed in the distance, and I smiled knowing that they were cleaning up the mess I made.

The vibrations of my phone snapped me back to reality. Biting my cigarette, I dug through my bag trying to find that annoying device.

"What?" I mumbled, still holding the cigarette between my teeth.

"Is he taken care of?" The cold voice asked.

"Yup." I stated, popping the p obnoxiously. I knew how much he hated that.

"Good job. We'll see you at the safehouse." My father spoke out quickly.

"Alright, see  you soon." I stated before I hung up.

I took a step forward only to see a quick glimmer of an object flying towards me. Reacting quickly, I ducked as something pierced the wall behind me. I stood up before examining the wall behind me, scowling as I laid my eyes upon a very large knife sticking out of the drywall where my head was just a few minutes ago.

"Well, look what we have here." A chilling, yet familiar voice called out from the shadows.

My Edit

His head exploded, sending blood splattering all over his women. 

"Gotcha." I chuckled.

Even though I was a mile away, I could swear I heard the chorus of screams, as his women scattered and his security detail rushed to him. I lowered the scope.

I dismantled my trusty McMillan Tac-50, and packed it up. I picked up the rifle case with one hand and reached into my pocket with the other. Heading toward the rooftop door of the abandoned warehouse, humming Fly Me to the Moon, I pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I tapped the bottom of the pack against my thigh three times. 

My booted feet tapped down the first few stairs as I flipped open the pack with my chin and used my teeth to slide out a ciggy. I slid the pack back into my pocket, exchanging it for my lighter. 

Sirens screamed in the distance, and I smiled knowing that they were on their way to clean up the mess I'd made.

The phone in my bra vibrated. I lit the cigarette and took a drag before tapping my earbud twice. "What?" I demanded, ciggy between my teeth, boots tap-tapping down the stairs.

"Is he taken care of?" 

"Yup." I stated, popping the p obnoxiously. My father hated that.

"Good. We'll see you at the safehouse." He hung up.

"Always a pleasure," I muttered, taking another drag. Just as I reached the landing of the third floor, a glimmer caught my eye, and I ducked. I scowled up at the knife vibrating in the drywall where my head had been a moment before.

"Well, look what we have here." A chilling, familiar voice said from the doorway of the landing.

(Original word count: ~510 → Edited: ~285)

---

Critique

I'm generally not interested in Mafia stories, but the idea of two assassins who have been trying to kill each other for years falling in love is just so...charming. I couldn't resist.

This is a Wonderful Wednesday post. What qualifies a first 500 excerpt for a Wonderful Wednesday post is a successful combination of what I look for in every first 500 words of a story: interesting setting, interesting characters, and a metric butt ton of conflict and tension.

I always have some nitpicks that I discuss in a WW post, but I don't generally do a full "My Version" because I don't feel like my version would be different enough to make someone read both versions. I felt like this excerpt was a good example of a really fun, engaging first 500 words, but that even good writing can usually be tightened up in certain areas.

Setting

The first setting is great -- a rooftop of an abandoned warehouse. The author doesn't describe the setting at all, and this is what's smart about choosing a setting that is familiar enough to readers that it doesn't require much of a description, if any. In this case, this is a place we're going to spend about five seconds in, it's not sentimental to Allegra, and it's not one we'll return to (presumably). Even if your reader has never seen a movie, they can probably imagine that there's not much of visual interest in a rooftop of an abandoned warehouse.

We also have the stairwell that Allegra takes to exit the building, and this is where the action takes place. I will say that this sentence: "Well, look what we have here." A chilling, yet familiar voice called out from the shadows." threw me off a bit. "Shadows" is just too vague for a setting as small as a stairwell. Also, these two are about to fight, so establishing where the familiar voice is coming from would be good in this sentence, so that it won't have to be established when we move into the fight. In my version, I just placed him a few feet away from her, in the doorway.

Characterization

We have three characters in this excerpt: Allegra, Ace, and Allegra's father. Allegra's characterization is simple but effective. Murder is, for most people, a big ethical question. Most of us would feel weird or bad if we'd just made another person's head explode. Allegra says "gotcha" and grins. We also have her popping the "p" in "yup" in order to annoy her father. That is a succinct and fun way to add dimension to both Allegra and her father, as well as establish the type of relationship they have.

Their entire phone conversation is actually revealing. It's short, professional on his part, snarky but just as abrupt on hers. Allegra describes her father's voice as cold. Wow.

The third character, Ace, has one sentence of dialogue before this excerpt ends, but boy, does he make an impact. I'm curious as to whether he missed her with the knife on purpose, or not. He certainly doesn't seem particularly upset. He also doesn't follow up the first knife with a second, more accurate one. He seems to want to play.

Conflict/Tension

There is plenty of tension. We have Allegra murdering someone in the first sentence to nearly being murdered herself. In smaller ways, we have the tension between Allegra and her father, and between Allegra and Ace (attempted murder). Even Ace's dialogue, "Well, look what we have here" is a conflict between what we'd expect a person who just tried to put a knife through her head and what he actually says. He's so casual. Very weird.

That said, although the scene is rife with tension, the writing isn't. I like the casual tone that the author establishes, especially in juxtaposition with such a fraught scene, but the tension could be tightened up a bit. For instance, something as simple as "his head practically exploded" doesn't need the word "practically". We're adding a question into what would otherwise be a powerful statement.
Another thing is, we spend 158 words with Allegra looking through the telescopic lens and readying herself to take the shot. She steadies her breath, she purses her lips, she holds her breath. We don't need any of this. I do like the detail that the man she's targeting is surrounded by escorts half his age, but it's also not technically necessary.

What makes "I slowly turned the knob on my scope, focusing the red crosshair into the middle of my sight." such a powerful opening line is that we're about to see a dude get killed. And then we don't for 140 unnecessary words. I think the author is trying to build tension but it actually deflates the tension created with the first sentence.

Another area where the author tries to create unnecessary suspense is with who Allegra is talking to on the phone. It's not until his third line of dialogue that we find out that it's her father. Why? It makes the kind of bland dialogue way more interesting when we understand that she's talking to her father. The fact that he's so professional and abrupt only adds to the intrigue. There's no need to bury that reveal.

This is the weakest paragraph in the excerpt:

I took a step forward only to see a quick glimmer of an object flying towards me. Reacting quickly, I ducked as something pierced the wall behind me. I stood up before examining the wall behind me, scowling as I laid my eyes upon a very large knife sticking out of the drywall where my head was just a few minutes ago.

Okay, first, we don't need "reacting quickly" because "I ducked" conveys the same thought. Second, it's really dumb to stand up and examine a knife sticking out of a wall that was meant to be sticking out of your head. That is something that you see in Kung Fu movies, but it happens visually quickly and is played for comedic effect. In this case, it would be smarter to remain ducked and look up at the knife.
Also, in this scene, a lot of things are supposed to happen quickly, in succession, so we want the wording to reflect that idea. 

Consider my edit:

Just as I reached the landing of the third floor, a glimmer caught my eye, and I ducked. I scowled up at the knife vibrating in the drywall where my head had been a moment before.

This is the same amount of action but done in 36 words instead of 62. Actually, most of my edit is the same exact verbiage as the original excerpt, just condensed from 510 words to 285. Now, does that mean that my edit is better? No. There's a pretty good chance that if you asked 100 people which version they liked better, they'd prefer the original.

 
This is why I don't usually do an edit of Wonderful Wednesday posts. This excerpt hit enough of my personal bugaboos that I wanted to see what my version would look like. If I was this author's editor, these would be the changes I'd suggest, but my feelings wouldn't be hurt if the author rejected them. I'm not even a hundred percent sure I like my version better. It's more concise, but is it more engaging? I don't know. I don't really think so. But it was a fun exercise.

Final Thoughts

I love the premise of rival assassins who have to work together, especially with the enemies-to-lovers aspect. For me personally, even though the original excerpt has everything I look for in a successfully engaging start to a novel, it isn't enough to overcome my dislike of the dark romance and Mafia tropes. If Allegra was a bit more dimensional, maybe conflicted rather than sociopathic, I'd be more interested.

That said, I've been pleasantly surprised by dark romance and mafia stories, lately. Getaway by bazookah and The Placeholder by Mindful Imaginist were so unpredictable and delightfully well-written, even as drafts, that I'm more open to the genre than I used to be. If I had a particular itch to scratch, I'd definitely give this one a shot.