Delta: A Spy Novel by vb123321 on Wattpad

Original:

Shooting ranges had always fascinated me. Call it creepy for a sixteen-year-old to say that, but it was true. Something about holding the cold metal of the gun, combined with the adrenaline as the bullet explodes from the barrel, not to mention the satisfaction received if it hits a target -- it all added up to be one amazing time.

It was also a great way to get things off my mind. This was the sole purpose I had had in mind as I entered a private range, tipping the bored-looking attendant a bright smile to assure him that I wasn't about to commit a homicide. Sliding the gun I had been issued out of my jeans pocket, I checked the magazine and then leaned against the wall, breathing out through my nose. As fun as it was, any time I was in a firing range, I had to mentally prepare myself, because my imagination tended to go overboard when alone in a cold, quiet room, with a gun in hand. 

Something about it freaked me out. I couldn't understand why I was able to shoot men straight through the heart in the heat of adrenaline-boosted field work, but once inside that room, my heartbeat sped up more quickly than if I had been confronted with a KGB agent armed to the teeth.

Once the psychological part was over and I had entered what was generally referred to as the Arctic Zone -- because once inside, all emotion ceased, and it was just you and the gun -- I stepped forward, drawing my gun up in front of me. My finger caressed the smooth metal, tucking itself under the trigger as I fixed my eyes on the target, which stood about seventy-five meters away.

Exhaling again, I closed one eye, sighting down the barrel and taking a little more time than necessary. Giving my imagination a boost, I pictured the target as a man dressed completely in black, holding a knife against the throat of -- I shook my head in slight irritation. No, memories like that weren't going to help. The man switched to holding a gun pointing at me even as I leveled my own at him. Part of me wished I had asked the attendant to give me man-targets instead of the normal bull's-eye ones.

Concentrate.

What would my early trainers have said if they saw me now? Fire first, and then think. I could almost hear them saying it. Training eleven-year-olds to fire a gun couldn't be an easy job, especially since you knew that one day soon they would be in the field, firing at read targets. It made me grateful to know that I was one of the very few agents Delta, the spy agency that employed me, had.

Breathing out for the third time, I re-leveled my gun at the target, emptying my mind of all thoughts. My gaze completely focused, I snapped off a succession of shots, all of which slammed into the target in a split second. 

My Version:

As fun as it was, something about a firing range freaked me out. At sixteen years old, I was able to shoot grown men straight through the heart, but once inside that room, it was like that paper target was every potential enemy every potential assignment gone wrong in every possible way.

I stepped forward, drawing my gun up in front of me. My finger caressed the smooth metal, tucking itself under the trigger as I fixed my eyes on the target, which stood about seventy-five meters away. It helped to imagine one specific enemy.

I closed one eye, sighting down the barrel. I pictured Phoryn Forinman holding a knife to the throat of -- I shook the flashback away. Not helping with the anxiety. Too specific. I tried again, picturing a generic man-in-parka with hood up, shadowing the generic face.

Fire first, then think.

I exhaled, re-leveled my gun at the target, emptying my mind of all thoughts. I snapped off a succession of shots, all of which slammed into the target in a split second. 

Final Thoughts:

There was a lot of repetition in the first 500 words, so I condensed it to less than 200 words. The relevant part of the chapter comes when we have a second character introduced, so we want to get to that as quickly as possible.

There are six scenes in this chapter; Astrid by herself at the gun range, Astrid with Josh at the gun range, Astrid and Josh in the lobby, Astrid and Josh in the lobby with Pierre on the phone, Astrid and Josh in the secretary's room with the secretary, and Astrid and Josh in Young's room with young.

Here is the action of this chapter; Josh finds Astrid at the gun range and tells her that she needs to call Pierre. Astrid calls Pierre who tells Astrid to speak to Young. Astrid and Josh go to speak to Young.

So, we have six scenes for Astrid to find out that she has a new assignment, what the assignment is, and that she'll be working with Pierre and Josh on it. And all of this happens in the last scene. I think we can cut down the number of scenes. Specifically, we can delete the Pierre scene and the secretary scene, unless the secretary becomes relevant later.

I think it's generally really smart to introduce a bunch of characters one at a time, especially at the beginning of a story when we also need to get to know the MC. However, in this case, I think that could still be accomplished if Josh finds Astrid at the gun range and takes her directly to Young's office. Once Astrid and Josh are in Young's office, Pierre could come in, in person. 

Or, Pierre can be mentioned by Young, and Josh can tease Astrid about her crush on Pierre. Or, since Josh already knows everything about the assignment, he can tease Astrid about Pierre on the way to Young's office, so that they aren't behaving like kids in their boss' office.

I really like most of the banter between Astrid and Josh, especially the plot-specific banter, so I'd want to keep most of that. I read ahead through Chapter Two and it seems like the heart of the story is the friendship between Astrid and Josh, which is really nice. You just don't get platonic bestie spies very often, or ever, unless they're the same gender. It's also a more lighthearted tone than other teen spy thrillers, or spy thrillers in general. The characters read as children.

I'm trying so hard not to get into how disturbing it is to romanticize the concept of child soldiers, but I guess I'm just an old fuddy-duddy. I'd be interested to see how this story progresses. Chapter Two is a lot of fun, aside from the fact that absolutely nothing happens in it to move the plot forward.