Original:
She's obviously an undercover cop. What will it be this time? Theft by swindle? An accounting error? A parking ticket? This should be good.
Zandra sniffs out the disguise before the woman is through the door of Sneak Peek, her hole-in-wall "psychic services" business. It's bricked in between a head shop and a defunct coffee joint in downtown Stephens Point, Wisconsin. Just a chair behind a desk in a single room. A glorified closet stuff with too many eccentricities that catch the sunlight as the woman closes the door.
It doesn't take a psychic for Zandra to see her latest client is failing as an undercover cop. Maybe that's because Zandra isn't a psychic. Rather, she's a proud fraud, loving upon the reputation of that incident at Soma Falls years ago. An incredibly lucky guess? Sure. Psychic? No.
But when the masses spray paint the words "go back to hell witch" on the side of your house and stalk your every move, you'll settle for the psychic label. Better a psychic serving entertainment purposes than anything approaching legitimate in their paranoid eyes. Everyone knows psychics are frauds anyway. It's an unhappy middle ground. An uneasy truce.
Stephens Point didn't know what to make of her back then. Still doesn't. But that doesn't prevent people from coming into Zandra's business. Like cops making sure she knows her place as the village crone. That's probably why this latest one is here. A reminder to not get too uppity about the reputation from Soma Falls. But don't walk away from it, either. What happened with Zandra and Soma Falls put Stevens Point on the map. The tourism alone is worth millions.
The creases around Zandra's tired eyes life into a greeting. Smize as the kids would say. Not that she's been anywhere near hip for decades, made obvious by the oversized purple gown draped over her shoulders. It's acned with gaudy rhinestones straight off a cheap stripper's ass cheek. It's all for show, just like every other trinket of sparkly nonsense in Sneak Peek. And all for sale, of course. That's the proud in proud fraud. Not like anyone in town would give Zandra a real job anyway. But they'd certainly remind her she should.
The woman takes a seat across the desk from Zandra. As she does with all her clients, the "psychic" performs a mental checklist before saying anything. Zandra's got it down to three seconds. that's all she needs for her act.
Short, blonde hair pulled back tight into a small ponytail.
Fingernails trimmed to a few millimeters.
Baggy flannel shirt to cover the concealed pistol in a holster secured inside the waistband of her jeans. Right hand seated on her thigh at the ready to draw. Legs planted firmly on the floor instead of crossed or casual.
These aren't traits exclusive to cops. But playing the psychic, Zandra knows it's an odds game.
My Version:
Zandra's liver-spotted hands are stringing beads for a suncatcher, when the jingling of ceramic bells alerts her to a visitor. She looks up. It's an undercover cop. Another one.
Short, blonde hair pulled back tight into a small ponytail. Fingernails trimmed to a few millimeters. Baggy flannel shirt to cover the concealed pistol in a holster. Blue eyes that case the entire room, checking corners and blind spots. Not that there's much to check.
Sneak Peek is a psychic shop bricked in between a head shop and a defunct coffee joint in downtown Stephens Point, Wisconsin. Just a battered wood round table flanked by two comfy mismatched armchairs, surrounded by colorful wind chimes, dreamcatchers, pillows, blankets, and caftans like the one Zandra wore -- her signature bedazzled purple. Baubles sparkle in the sunlight as the cop closes the door, shooting prisms around the room.
The cop navigates the few steps to the seat across from Zandra and sits down. Right hand seated on her thigh. Legs planted firmly on the floor. No doubt uncomfortable to have her back to the door.
Final Thoughts:
I'm assuming that Zandra is supposed to be a sympathetic character, so I took out the "cheap stripper" part of the line describing her outfit. I'm also going to try not to hold it against the author, either. Attitudes toward sex work are changing slowly. Anyway...
I was intrigued by the premise of a fake psychic solving crimes. Not the most original premise, but fun, and I liked that the MC was female. There is a lot of set-up in the first 500 words. The scene gets a lot more interesting once the characters start talking, so my main object was to edit out any unnecessary information and the extensive amount of mental bragging Zandra does regarding being a fake psychic.
One thing that throws me off is that this is supposed to be a really small town, so I'm not sure how undercover a cop could be, unless she's new to town. Especially with Zandra already having been harassed by cops pretty frequently, I would think she'd be pretty familiar with the local cops.
Also, I never heard that people with blue eyes are hard-drinking bisexuals. What a weird and unexpected stereotype (this was after the first 500 words).
For my version, I condensed the descriptions and gave Zandra something to do before the customer walks in. Sneak Peek seems to be as much of a tchotchke shop as a psychic, so I liked the idea of her making her own knic-knacks. I also made the setting slightly less generic than "eccentricities". I also used a couple of descriptions that come after the first 500 words.
I have a loose formula for new scenes. Describe the scene, then describe the characters, then describe the action. You see this in movies where during the opening credits, we're panning out over a city, then we focus in on a building, and then in the building is the main character. In this case, I described the characters first because the cop comes in and immediately looks around, so it's a perfect excuse to describe the setting without having the two characters floating around in space for too long.
I left out the stuff about Soma Falls because it's so vague when it's brought up that it might as well wait for a few paragraphs later when the cop brings it up. I think that's a good time for Zandra to reflect on what happened there in slightly more detail.
Chapter Two is MUCH better. I would definitely keep reading. The author has an interesting protagonist and a specific story to tell. I really like that she's an older woman and also agrees to help find a missing girl in order to get revenge on the town that has treated her so poorly.
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