Blurb
When Princess Summer defies her brother’s war against the dragons, she’s thrown into a battle of loyalty, passion, and power. The Dragon Lords who should be her enemies become her fiercest protectors — and the only ones who see her heart for what it truly is: dangerous.
In a world where dragons are enslaved and hearts are weapons, Summer must decide who she’s willing to fight for… and who she’s willing to burn for.
In a world where dragons are enslaved and hearts are weapons, Summer must decide who she’s willing to fight for… and who she’s willing to burn for.
Original (First 500)
I jogged at a steady pace through the jungle while howls of many dragons filled the sky like haunting music. Dragons only howled in extreme circumstances, and right now, many of the dragons were being injected with a deadly poison from a local tree frog in this area of the Patter Forest.
The King, Ross the “Great” wanted all dragons tamed and controlled by local Warlords to be loyal pets under the Kings dominion. It was far fetched, reckless and just plain stupid that Ross the Great had gone to such lengths to make his dream come true.
I myself tagged along on this newest mission to lure the dragons in with a strong peace scent so I could disable as many traps as possible. It was treason, yeah, but I couldn’t live with myself by not doing anything. I was allowed to come because I was a natural Healer, I could heal by drawing power from the earth. I could help any of the injured that would indefinitely come with this suicidal mission to bring the dragons under control, so I was using this opportunity to my full advantage.
I was meant to be back at the main trap site but I already had an excuse planned for later when I’d be questioned where I had disappeared to. I had disabled two outsider traps already, and there were at least 16 traps altogether. The central traps had already been successful so I only had a chance at disabling one more trap on the outside perimeter before it’d be too dangerous to be out in the open, especially with blood thirsty, revenge seeking dragons flying above. The only protection I had was the dense coverage which made it harder for the dragons to land.
I saw the last trap ahead of me and quickly went down on my knees to smother the rock that emitted the peace scent with mud. It would effectively counteract the scent and be disabled completely. It was as I finished smothering the scent rock that I realized just how quiet it was. In fact, it was deadly silent and that only meant one thing.
Every so slowly I raised my head and looked ahead, nothing, to my left, nothing, the slowly to my right. A glowing pair of blue-green eyes level with my head was staring straight at me. I sucked in a breath, fear closing off my throat and making my heart start to race at surely an unhealthy speed. I slowly made out the outline of the humongous black head, and the long glinting fangs, the length of a short sword. I closed my eyes in silent acceptance.
I was going to die.
I jogged at a steady pace through the jungle while howls of many dragons filled the sky like haunting music. Dragons only howled in extreme circumstances, and right now, many of the dragons were being injected with a deadly poison from a local tree frog in this area of the Patter Forest.
The King, Ross the “Great” wanted all dragons tamed and controlled by local Warlords to be loyal pets under the Kings dominion. It was far fetched, reckless and just plain stupid that Ross the Great had gone to such lengths to make his dream come true.
I myself tagged along on this newest mission to lure the dragons in with a strong peace scent so I could disable as many traps as possible. It was treason, yeah, but I couldn’t live with myself by not doing anything. I was allowed to come because I was a natural Healer, I could heal by drawing power from the earth. I could help any of the injured that would indefinitely come with this suicidal mission to bring the dragons under control, so I was using this opportunity to my full advantage.
I was meant to be back at the main trap site but I already had an excuse planned for later when I’d be questioned where I had disappeared to. I had disabled two outsider traps already, and there were at least 16 traps altogether. The central traps had already been successful so I only had a chance at disabling one more trap on the outside perimeter before it’d be too dangerous to be out in the open, especially with blood thirsty, revenge seeking dragons flying above. The only protection I had was the dense coverage which made it harder for the dragons to land.
I saw the last trap ahead of me and quickly went down on my knees to smother the rock that emitted the peace scent with mud. It would effectively counteract the scent and be disabled completely. It was as I finished smothering the scent rock that I realized just how quiet it was. In fact, it was deadly silent and that only meant one thing.
Every so slowly I raised my head and looked ahead, nothing, to my left, nothing, the slowly to my right. A glowing pair of blue-green eyes level with my head was staring straight at me. I sucked in a breath, fear closing off my throat and making my heart start to race at surely an unhealthy speed. I slowly made out the outline of the humongous black head, and the long glinting fangs, the length of a short sword. I closed my eyes in silent acceptance.
I was going to die.
My Edit
King Ross ‘the Great’ had wanted me with his army — every campaign needed a Healer. I had agreed, only so that I could commit treason.
The air hung heavy with the earthy promise of more rain mingling with the spicy musk of dragons. I jogged at a steady pace through the forest as dragons haunted the darkening sky, their howls eerily musical.
I followed the scent of peace extract to a small boulder that came to the tops of my knees. It took several minutes to cover it with mud, but the forest floor had plenty to spare. At least a dozen traps remained. I searched for the next one, hoping it would be smaller.
The clash of swords against dragon scales rang through the forest. I would be missed soon, as the dragons fought back against the king’s army. The dragons hadn’t started this war, but maybe, with my help, they would win it.
For me, if I didn’t want to be branded the traitor I was, and exiled, I’d have to maintain the appearance of fealty. The screams of warriors joined the dragon howls as I moved through the forest. The next trap was a rock only about as big as my foot. I kicked mud over it and moved on.
Peace extract was ensorcelled perfume. Ladies used it to calm themselves when their corsets got too tight, and men used it in battle when their broken limbs needed to be re-set or cut off. It was currently being used to trap dragons in a part of the forest that was too dense with tree cover to escape by flight.
The next boulder was half as large as the first. I coated it with mud as quickly as possible, fighting the urge to lay down next to it instead. At this moment, I had three enemies; the army, the dragons, and the weapon I was trying to defuse.
I was already tired, and already needed back at the base. I was lured to the next boulder almost against my will. It was twice as big as the first one, almost as tall as me, and nearly perfectly round. This would take forever! I didn’t even know if I’d be able to resist the scent long enough to cover it up. I kicked the boulder in frustration. It wobbled and slid an inch or so on the muddy ground.
My breath caught. Could I – just roll it over? I nudged it with my shoulder and praised whatever gods might be listening when it spun away from me, almost as if it was eager to help. A few more nudges and a hefty shove later, the peace scent had been neutralized. I sagged against the side of the muddy boulder in relief.
This was definitely the biggest threat against the dragons. I could detect smaller threats close by but I wondered if it would be safer for me just to return to base.
Before I could decide, I realized that the forest had gone silent. Distant shouts and clanging persisted, but all of the forest sounds; rustling, chirping, slithering—had ceased. I turned slowly, bracing myself against the boulder with one hand and reaching for my dagger with the other.
My hand froze as I stared into a glowing pair of blue-green eyes. The dragon was jet-black with tiny scales that glimmered like freckles across his nose. His fangs, as long as my forearm and as sharp as my dagger glinted dangerously, inches from my face.
I closed my eyes.
I was going to die.
(Original word count: ~450 → Edited: ~600)
King Ross ‘the Great’ had wanted me with his army — every campaign needed a Healer. I had agreed, only so that I could commit treason.
The air hung heavy with the earthy promise of more rain mingling with the spicy musk of dragons. I jogged at a steady pace through the forest as dragons haunted the darkening sky, their howls eerily musical.
I followed the scent of peace extract to a small boulder that came to the tops of my knees. It took several minutes to cover it with mud, but the forest floor had plenty to spare. At least a dozen traps remained. I searched for the next one, hoping it would be smaller.
The clash of swords against dragon scales rang through the forest. I would be missed soon, as the dragons fought back against the king’s army. The dragons hadn’t started this war, but maybe, with my help, they would win it.
For me, if I didn’t want to be branded the traitor I was, and exiled, I’d have to maintain the appearance of fealty. The screams of warriors joined the dragon howls as I moved through the forest. The next trap was a rock only about as big as my foot. I kicked mud over it and moved on.
Peace extract was ensorcelled perfume. Ladies used it to calm themselves when their corsets got too tight, and men used it in battle when their broken limbs needed to be re-set or cut off. It was currently being used to trap dragons in a part of the forest that was too dense with tree cover to escape by flight.
The next boulder was half as large as the first. I coated it with mud as quickly as possible, fighting the urge to lay down next to it instead. At this moment, I had three enemies; the army, the dragons, and the weapon I was trying to defuse.
I was already tired, and already needed back at the base. I was lured to the next boulder almost against my will. It was twice as big as the first one, almost as tall as me, and nearly perfectly round. This would take forever! I didn’t even know if I’d be able to resist the scent long enough to cover it up. I kicked the boulder in frustration. It wobbled and slid an inch or so on the muddy ground.
My breath caught. Could I – just roll it over? I nudged it with my shoulder and praised whatever gods might be listening when it spun away from me, almost as if it was eager to help. A few more nudges and a hefty shove later, the peace scent had been neutralized. I sagged against the side of the muddy boulder in relief.
This was definitely the biggest threat against the dragons. I could detect smaller threats close by but I wondered if it would be safer for me just to return to base.
Before I could decide, I realized that the forest had gone silent. Distant shouts and clanging persisted, but all of the forest sounds; rustling, chirping, slithering—had ceased. I turned slowly, bracing myself against the boulder with one hand and reaching for my dagger with the other.
My hand froze as I stared into a glowing pair of blue-green eyes. The dragon was jet-black with tiny scales that glimmered like freckles across his nose. His fangs, as long as my forearm and as sharp as my dagger glinted dangerously, inches from my face.
I closed my eyes.
I was going to die.
(Original word count: ~450 → Edited: ~600)
Critique
The idea of dragons being poisoned and a healer committing treason to save them is compelling and original. Early on, though, we spend a bit too much time on why the protagonist is in the forest instead of what she’s doing there. Since the purpose of the scene is to lead to a dragon encounter, every line should build tension or reveal character. In my edit, I condensed this exposition down to:
I like that Summer has tactical awareness of where the fighting is happening, based on sound. Her attention to sound also pays off when the silence has settled over the forest. This line, "A glowing pair of blue-green eyes level with my head was staring straight at me," made me freeze and gasp, too. This is what is great about reading—that you can become so absorbed in the story that you feel their stakes as strongly as they do.
An internal monologue is not necessary, here. I think that Summer's dialogue and action speak volumes, especially in this chapter, but it might be good to establish her inner voice for quieter moments, when the stakes aren't as high. The moments between snuffing out peace extract would be a good time to let her personality shine a bit. Despite the danger, is she glad to be out of camp where she only has to watch out for external danger, rather than the risk of betraying herself with a word or glance? As a healer, is she generally stuck at bedsides, and it's nice to get some fresh, musky air, and move around a bit? Just small, personal observations of the forest can do that.
We could maybe do with some internal conflict. Does she feel bad at all for betraying her brother, or has she always resented him? Has he always been like this, tearing the wings off of flies for fun when he was a kid? Or is he motivated not by cruelty, but insecurity? Does Summer love him but vehemently disagree with is actions, or have they never been able to bond? Again, the moments in between rocks would a great time to explore these questions—just little hints.
When people complain about too much worldbuilding, they're talking about paragraphs and paragraphs of information that is not relevant to the scene. Little one-off lines here and there that give us glimpses into the world or mind of the character are fine. They actually increase, rather than decrease, tension.
King Ross “the Great” had wanted me with his army — every campaign needed a Healer. I had agreed, only so that I could commit treason.
Those two lines cover everything we need to know from that entire paragraph—now it's such a strong hook, that this is how my edit starts, with the setting and jogging through the forest in the second paragraph instead of the first.
Throughout the excerpt, there is some awkward phrasing, and some typos and malapropisms. Nothing too distracting, just enough to be noticeable. For instance, "rung" should be "rang", "diffuse" and "defuse" are two different words, "every so slowly" should be "ever so slowly".
A passage like this:
Every so slowly I raised my head and looked ahead, nothing, to my left, nothing, the slowly to my right.
This is the moment after Summer noticed that the forest has gone silent, and right before her gaze meets the gaze of the dragon. This is very cinematic, like something you'd see in a movie, but I think this moment needs to ramp up the tension as much as possible.
I turned slowly, bracing myself against the boulder with one hand and reaching for my dagger with the other.
In my edit, I use the setting and have her reaching for her weapon before she even sees the dragon. This drives home the danger that she senses, and the fact that she's prepared to face it.
Setting
The scene-setting is lush and plays with textures and sounds.
I jogged at a steady pace through the jungle while howls of many dragons filled the sky like haunting music.
This is a fantastic sample of the sensory experience of the character, and a great way to open a chapter. I did rephrase this slightly in my version, but not enough to notice unless you're looking for it.
I also love the idea of "peace extract" not only as an agent of peace, but as a weapon. That is genius-level world building. The existence of an element like this could have world-shattering implications. You could have regions of the world that are super serene hippies, and other regions who don't have access to it, and then you have the region this story takes place in, where it's used casually (in my version) and also as a weapon.
That said, when you have an element in your story that isn't already part of the zeitgeist, you have to slow down and explain it a bit. So, with the rocks covered in "peace extract", we need a little more information. What is "peace extract" made of? How does it work? Is it expensive and rare or is it readily available to anyone who wants it?
In my edit, I explored that a little bit, in part of the story where Summer is finding the next rock. These are good moments for world building because they give a moment for the reader to breathe, and makes it feel like time has passed in between leaving the last rock and finding the next one.
Characterization
Summer's character is already pretty interesting. She's a healer who is defying her brother in order to save dragons that view her as an enemy. We get a lot of external information, which lets us fill in the blanks with what we’d feel in that situation. Those are often the most fun moments to read, because sometimes, I would feel differently than the character does. In those moments, I get to be in the mind of someone completely different from me, which, again, is part of the magic of reading.
An internal monologue is not necessary, here. I think that Summer's dialogue and action speak volumes, especially in this chapter, but it might be good to establish her inner voice for quieter moments, when the stakes aren't as high. The moments between snuffing out peace extract would be a good time to let her personality shine a bit. Despite the danger, is she glad to be out of camp where she only has to watch out for external danger, rather than the risk of betraying herself with a word or glance? As a healer, is she generally stuck at bedsides, and it's nice to get some fresh, musky air, and move around a bit? Just small, personal observations of the forest can do that.
Something like:
The [flower] in my gardens look tame and stiff next to this wild bouquet of [flower] mixed with [flower] and [moss or something]. It even smells differentfreer? Maybe.
Or, as a healer, she can spot some rare element that she's running low on and pocket some, making mental note of where to find more of it later. Little things like that can make her journey to the next rock, which I imagine are pretty far from each other, make that time feel real without bogging down the action too much.
Conflict/Tension
We have enough stakes and urgency to choke a horse—what she's doing puts her in danger from the people she's betraying as well as the dragons she's trying to save.
We have enough stakes and urgency to choke a horse—what she's doing puts her in danger from the people she's betraying as well as the dragons she's trying to save.
We could maybe do with some internal conflict. Does she feel bad at all for betraying her brother, or has she always resented him? Has he always been like this, tearing the wings off of flies for fun when he was a kid? Or is he motivated not by cruelty, but insecurity? Does Summer love him but vehemently disagree with is actions, or have they never been able to bond? Again, the moments in between rocks would a great time to explore these questions—just little hints.
When people complain about too much worldbuilding, they're talking about paragraphs and paragraphs of information that is not relevant to the scene. Little one-off lines here and there that give us glimpses into the world or mind of the character are fine. They actually increase, rather than decrease, tension.
Final Thoughts
A bugbear of mine is having a POV character holding back on the reader. So, if in the blurb, Summer is defying her brother, there's no reason to hold that information back in the first chapter. She can name the character, "King Ross The Great—my brother, and honestly, not as he makes people say he is."
All of that said, the basics are here: setting, characterization, and tension. The cliffhanger at the end of the excerpt/chapter is great and pretty much ensures that anyone reading so far is going to continue to the next chapter.
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