Skater Cinderella by Kmmy G at Inkitt

Blurb

If Cinderella skated rather than danced, ran rather than cleaned, and chased her dreams herself, what would have changed? Tessa Hale is waiting for something great. Both of her biological parents have passed, and she is stuck living with her neglectful stepmother and roller-coaster stepsisters. Trying to make it through school with decent grades is difficult enough, but add in a cocky prince charming who folds to peer pressure, an eccentric best friend, and a skateboarding competition that puts $100,000 on the line, and you’ve got a complicated story on your hands. Tessa has been told by many that she doesn’t have what it takes and that she doesn’t deserve the victory. It is up to her to prove them wrong and fulfill the dream that her father wanted her to chase.

---

Original (First 500)

Okay, Tessa, you can do this, breathe.

The death warrant sat in front of me like an omen of horrific luck. I could not look away because, if I did, it might just swallow me whole. There was a fine line between strategic bravery and chaotic idiocy, and I, for one, was leaning towards the latter.

My eye twitched in trepidation, and for one moment, I questioned whether I was making a correct decision or not. However, the very nature of the situation demanded that I decide on a path and stick to it -- so that is what I did. Taking a deep breath, I slowly lowered my hand, touching the tip of my weapon of war to the paper before me.

Writing down my answer, I moved on to the next question on the geometry quiz.

Geometry and I have had a hate-love relationship for many, many months. No matter how hard I try, how much I struggle, or how often I visit the textbook from hell, there is no chance I would ever graduate Geometry with a grade higher than a B. With the luck that seemed to follow me since birth, it was most likely that the day I received a phenomenal grade in mathematics would be the same day the world ends.

With every question that was answered, the ticking of the clock became louder in my hearing. The knowledge that there were mere minutes left before the resounding bell would echo throughout the classrooms of the school's main building, thus signaling the end of the quiz was foreboding, to say the least. I knew there was no way I could ace this quiz -- much like all the other quizzes in this class -- so I elected to guess on the multiple-chose and taking my chances. My battle with plane shapes and measurements continued for the next ten minutes. I wrote answers, erased them, and wrote them again. The process went on for quite a while, might I say.

Write down the answer.

Erase said answer in anxiousness.

Give yourself a pathetic pep talk that maybe, somehow, your answer that wasn't even one of the four answers could possibly be correct.

Write the (most likely, incorrect) answer again.

Repeat this process once more on the next question.

This meticulous method of failure continued until Mr. Gregory slammed his hand down on his desk as he stood up, making almost everyone in the classroom jump.

While there were the people who were finished and waiting for the noise, and then those who were sleeping, there were also many who were still focused on the quiz. I was one of those sad, forgotten souls still focused on the quiz.

"Miss Hale!" Mr. Gregory exclaimed, slamming his palm on my desk and drawing a surprised yelp from within me. Had anyone asked me how I felt in that moment, I would have told them that I could have sworn a little bit of my soul left my body.

My Edit

The stupidly loud tick of the clock in the silent classroom was drowned out by the rapid beating of my heart. 

Okay, Tessa, you can do this, breathe.

I closed my eyes. The room smelled faintly of pencil shavings and burnt dust from the heater.

You've prepared for this moment.

 I opened my eyes.

Question 1: What is the sum of the interior angles of a convex quadrilateral?

Oh, my God. What is the what of the what what of a what what-what-what-what-what? Skip!

Question 2: If two parallel lines are cut by a transversal, what is the relationship between their alternate interior angles?

I wanted to throw up. How can I answer the question if I don't know what any of the words in the question mean? I skimmed down the page, looking for an easy one. Something to boost my confidence. It was all gibberish. I looked around the classroom.  Has anyone else noticed that the test isn't in English? The overhead fluorescents buzzed, washing everything in a headache-white glow. I was surrounded by bent heads, frowns of concentration, and the scratching of pencil on paper, steady as rainfall. 

Mr. Gregory, Belgian, beige, and balding, was staring at me. His wire-framed glasses flashed like warning lights as he squinted in my direction. He pointed two of his fingers toward his eyes, and then at the desk in front of him, telling me to keep my eyes on my paper. And he wasn't joking. He once threw Stacy Solomon for leaning over to sneeze.

I looked back down at my test. Words and phrases swam in front of me. Symmetry...interior...definition...supplementary hypotenuse...convex quadrilateral polygon...transversal inscribed intercepted arc. One word caught my attention: "definition". Math was never my subject but I was good at spelling and grammar. In fact, the night before, I'd experimented with treating Math like English and creating a vocabulary list. In my panic, I'd totally forgotten my battle plan.

On the quiz, I looked for the word "definition" again, and found it. Question 7: What is the definition of supplementary angles?

Ooh! I know this! I closed my eyes before the multiple choices answers could get stuck in my brain and make me question myself. Supplementary, supplementary. I visualized my vocabulary list. Two angles that add to 180. I opened my eyes. "A" was two angles that added to 90 degrees, "B" was 35. And, "C"! Blessed "C" was 180! I circled the C and started scouring the page for other vocabulary words. 

I saw "formula" and silently cheered. A formula was just Math for a definition. These weren't multiple choice, but that was fine, because it meant I wouldn't get confused by slightly different wrong answers. I filled those in.

I realized that the clock was getting louder, which meant that my heartbeat had slowed. I was a little lightheaded, but part of that was the excitement from answering some questions correctly. I looked up at the clock and realized that there were only six minutes left. A lot of the kids had been stirring, looking around, and making faces at each other. Whispering was breaking out around the classroom.

"Quiet!" Mr. Gregory called out. The classroom snapped back into silence. Except for the stupid clock. 

Okay, six minutes. How many questions do I have left? Six. Oh, God. I've only answered four questions in fourteen minutes! How is that possible? Focus! Six questions in six minutes means one minute per question, more if the question is easy. 

I scoured the page for easy questions, but the restless rustling of the other kids was starting to disrupt my concentration. Most of them had already finished. Were they smarter than me, or was I dumber than them?  

Worry about that later. Look for definitions.

I did. Aside from the formulas, which I'd already filled in, the rest were all multiple choice. On each question, "D" was "All of the above," which was Mr. Gregory's idea of a joke. He did it on every test. The answer was never "D". 

I closed my eyes and visualized my vocabulary list for each question before circling an answering letter. My confidence dropped as the whispering rose again. Chairs creaked. A sneaker squeaked against the linoleum.

Focus, focus, focus.

SLAM!

"Miss Hale!" Mr. Gregory had slammed his palm down on top of my quiz.

I yelped. Everyone giggled. A little bit of my soul left my body.

(Original word count: ~500 → Edited: ~736)

---

Critique

The juxtaposition of Cinderella and Skateboard in the title caught my attention immediately. I was sold on the title alone, so I skipped the blurb (though I’ve posted it here in case you want to read it).

I thought that the way the chapter started was interesting: 

The death warrant sat in front of me like an omen of horrific luck.

I skimmed ahead to see what the "death warrant" was. The first couple of paragraphs really build to the reveal, which, spoiler, is a Geometry quiz. It’s a cute conceit — an unexpected way to dramatize the experience of taking a test.

One problem is that after this immense build-up, we just go into non-metaphorical narration for the rest of the story. It ends up feeling more like a writing prompt than a sustained metaphor.

Another problem is that there's no indication of the stakes of the quiz, no parental pressure or consequences if she doesn't do well on the quiz or in the class, just this overwhelming sense of doom. Which — fair. I had the same reaction to Geometry when I took it, and I had no parental pressure. But the pressure came from me. I wanted to do well so that I could get into Harvard and become rich and beautiful and never need anyone. TMI? The point is, there's a reason Tessa is sweating this so hard, and a glimpse into why would add a lot to her characterization.

Finally, I think the rest of the scene is done well in terms of capturing the epic stress of a Geometry test, so the metaphor is not necessary. The premise overpromises. This is a compelling scene if you know that you're reading about a Geometry test. It's a letdown if you started out thinking you were about to rush headlong into a life-or-death sword fight (or skateboard battle).

Setting
The advantage to using a setting that would be familiar to most people is that the reader can fill in the blanks. In this excerpt, we get a classroom, a clock, and a teacher's desk. This is all we need, but it wouldn't hurt to fill out the classroom a bit. Where is Tessa sitting in regard to her friends, her crush, her rival? Does the classroom have windows that overlook a place Tessa would rather be? Something my teachers would do is erase the chalkboards. That was always unnerving. 

That covers the physical setting. The emotional setting is Tessa's mind.  The original excerpt shows that Tessa has a strong imagination. Even without the battle metaphor, she personifies Geometry by defining the relationship as "hate-love". Not to be mean, but I don't think that Geometry knows she exists. We'll explore more of Tessa's psychology in the Characterization section.

Characterization

The battle plan that Tessa comes up with is to guess. The quiz is multiple choice. This passage is pretty cute:

Write down the answer.

Erase said answer in anxiousness.

Give yourself a pathetic pep talk that maybe, somehow, your answer that wasn't even one of the four answers could possibly be correct.

Write the (most likely, incorrect) answer again.

Repeat this process once more on the next question.

This meticulous method of failure continued until...

I really like "meticulous method of failure" -- that would make a great band name. I like the pathetic pep talk, too, but I think that this is a perfect example of telling, not showing. We're already in Tessa's head, so this could read more like:

Circle C. Half of the time it's C.

Erase the circle around C. If it's only C half of the time, then this time it's probably not.

Are you calculating probability during a Geometry quiz? Idiot. Sorry sorry. You're, like, a really smart genius. You've got this, guuurrrlll...cringe. What is wrong with me?

Circle C.

And, repeat.

This meticulous method of failure continued until....

Now, we sound like we're in Tessa's thoughts instead of the abstract idea of Tessa's thoughts. I didn't end up going in this direction because I started thinking about my own Geometry flop sweats. I was never good at math, but I rebelled against the idea of failing and having to take it again. So, when studying, I related it to what I was good at -- English. 

I used that experience in my revision for this excerpt and I think that it reads as much more personal. To help with specificity, I Googled "Geometry quiz" and used the questions I found, with, pretty much the exact thoughts in the revision as I had when I looked at the questions. Geometry was a long time ago. I don't even know what half of the questions are asking.

One more thing about Tessa before we move onto the other characters. I do think that it's interesting to have Tessa potentially be more chill at the top of a really tall ramp with a skateboard in hand than on solid ground with a Geometry quiz in front of her. If we started Chapter 1 with a skateboard scene, the Geometry quiz following immediately would both introduce the skateboard in the title, and make the intensity of her anxiety over her Geometry quiz read as even funnier in contrast.

Tessa is the only character in this scene, which is odd, because she's in a classroom full of people. Plus a teacher. One thing I remembered about taking Geometry quizzes was noticing when other people were done, how many were done before me, etc. I never wanted to be last. The dumbest one was always last. I was okay with being second-to-last. Anyway, Tessa never looks up. I admire her concentration, but it would feel more realistic if she got distracted — maybe tracking the clock or noticing who’s done before her.

Also, one thing about the classroom. I always knew where the mean boys were, the mean girls were, the people who wouldn't be mean if I sat with them, and, of course, my unrequited crush. (I was, obviously, wildly popular.) I think that we could add depth to the scene by being aware of the other kids especially her crush, her friends. Is her rival the first to finish? Does she sashay up to the front of the class to drop off her quiz, ten minutes before anyone else? Typical!

Also, we should get a basic description of Mr. Gregory so that when he slams his hand down on his desk, we get a visual of him. And when he slams his desk on Tessa's desk, we can get more detail, like his cologne, the peeling pleather belt, etc. 

Conflict/Tension

There's plenty of tension between Tessa and her quiz. Even though I didn't love the battle metaphor because it felt more cute than real, and I think that deeper humor comes from pain that hits the bone, I can't accuse the author of skimping out on the tension. Here's how she approaches the battle:

My eye twitched in trepidation, and for one moment, I questioned whether I was making a correct decision or not. However, the very nature of the situation demanded that I decide on a path and stick to it -- so that is what I did. Taking a deep breath, I slowly lowered my hand, touching the tip of my weapon of war to the paper before me.

We've got the eye twitch (physical/personal), questioning her decision (mental), and her weapon of war (physical/setting). 

We also have Mr. Gregory slamming his hand on Tessa's desk. I don't care how strict he is, that is inappropriate, and that behavior from a teacher hasn't been socially acceptable since Tom Berenger was in his heyday. Even though Tessa's not likely to stand up to Mr. Gregory, that just ramps up the tension, because of the power imbalance.

I like the way that she reacts. The "soul leaving my body" line is visceral. I think I left mine, too. I did clean up the wording of it, though. "A little bit of my soul left my body" reads a lot more powerful and immediate than, "Had anyone asked me how I felt in that moment, I would have told them that I could have sworn a little bit of my soul left my body."

---

Final Thoughts

The quickest and easiest way to add depth to the scene would be to include Tessa's fellow students, particularly the ones that she cares about (love or hate would be ideal). Doing so would automatically force her to describe the layout of the class. Describing the other kids would also add physical and psychological texture to the scene. (As well as introduce them to the readers, since these characters will be important later.)

More depth could come from some context as to why she's sweating Geometry so hard. Back in my day, Geometry was not required in order to graduate from high school. Things may have changed since the 1800s, but probably not this? I guess it depends on the school. I think, based on the blurb, that it might be good to work in the skateboarding competition -- like, if she doesn't keep her grades up, she won't be allowed to compete. Or, it could be the generalized getting-into-college anxiety. Do kids still go to college?

Overall, it’s a strong first draft with a fun, comedic voice. The author's note on the story says that it's a first draft, unedited, so it's surprisingly coherent (better than a lot of my first drafts). We have the basics of setting, characterization and tension, with plenty of room to add detail and tease out more of Tessa's unique voice. A second pass adding classmates and clear stakes would make the humor land harder and give readers more to root for.