Getaway by bazookah on Wattpad

Blurb

We've all heard the tales of good and bad, the tales of innocent deceit and her hero, the tales that despite their nature, show us the beauty in contrast.  

But it's the tales of pure evil that get swept under the rug. The tales of deception, where cruelty is rewarded. The tales that have you questioning who the real villain of the story is.

There's a simple philosophy to most thing in life; two wrongs 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 make a right. 

So what ensues when you put two of the worst kinds of people together? 

Loyalties transfer, lines blur, and hatred ignites complete chaos. 

She's cunning. 

𝘏𝘦'𝘴 𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴.

She's dangerous. 

𝘏𝘦'𝘴 𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴.

She's evil. 

 𝘏𝘦'𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦.

Or so that's what we're told. 

The devil is always worse. 

But maybe, just maybe, she's the devil in disguise, playing his advocate...

Original (First 500)

"Absolutely unacceptable--" more specifically; revolting, pathetic, and a fucking blessing. "--and what it is." But I don't dare dump the hard truth onto the hysterical girl crying on the other end of the line.

To be quite honest, it's a miracle I'm able to keep my mouth shut for so long, especially considering I've been sitting here, listening to her sob over a mediocre man for the past ten minutes.

This is the issue with women who emotionally involve themselves with men. They give full control of their emotions over to a man, who is by textbook definition; a disappointment.

While the rest of us, whether it be their children, mothers, sisters, or the women they fucked, are subjected to this disappointment they seem to ooze out of every clogged up useless pore in their bodies.

Not only did Hana have yet to understand this simplistic notion, but she was the worst kind of victim. The kind that saw the good in them.

This was the first thing I'd picked up freshmen year about my new roommate turned friend. Only she was the worst type of friend. Sweet, naive and far too innocent to ever take any of my advice. Even if it was the only right way to deal with her problems.

I examine the dark shade of red coating my almond shaped nails and briefly wonder how I'm going to find a nail tech that I don't want to slaughter in America.

"Lina?" A choked sob fills the line, louder than the others. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Mhm." With a roll of my eyes, I set the phone on speaker and reach into my bag to pull out my laptop. "Thomas, dick, little brunette from Political Law 101."

If three years at Oxford had taught me anything, it was how to be an expert at listening without actually listening.

That gets her off my ass and back to her breakdown while I hold up my empty champagne glass, ushering one of the two flight attendants over.

Yet they are both too busy ogling the body guards positioned on either side of the bar.

"If word of this gets out...it'll look so bad on me." Hana's soft voice trembles through the line and despite the annoyance bubbling in my chest, I don't like hearing it crack. "I-I just want him to feel as terrible as I did when I saw him and her --" 

I sigh, fed up.

Not only was this trip back to New York so sudden, and frankly, against my will, but I was spending it cooped up hundreds of feet in the air with useless staff, listening to a messy breakdown, completely sober.

"There's only one thing men like Thomas care about." I look to the guard positioned closest to me and raise a brow at the stoic faced man.

It takes a moment for him to draw his gaze towards me but when he does, I look from him back to my empty glass, my  request clear.

My Edit

Hana is the worst kind of victim. The kind that sees good in men. "Li-na?" A sob causes my best friend to hiccup my name over speaker phone. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Mhm." I hold up my empty champagne glass, signalling to the flight attendants that I want a refill. "Thomas, dick, little brunette from Political Law 101." Neither of the attendants notice me; they're both too busy flirting with my bodyguards at the bar. 

I tap the forefinger of my dark red, almond-shaped nails against the flute of my glass. How am I going to find a nail tech in America that I don't want to slaughter?

"If word of this gets out...it'll look so bad on me." Hana's soft voice trembles through the line. Despite my irritation, I don't like hearing distress in her voice. "I-I just want him to feel as terrible as I did when I saw him and her --" 

I set the champagne glass down and reach into my bag to pull out my laptop. I stifle a sigh as Hana continues to babble about her broken heart. Not only was this trip back to New York so sudden, and frankly, against my will, but I'm spending it cooped up hundreds of feet in the air with useless staff, listening to a messy breakdown, nearly sober.

I finally catch the eye of one of my bodyguards. I lift the empty champagne flute in the air. He nods without twitching a muscle in his stoic face. He interrupts the attendant who is flirting with him. On the other end of the line, Hana stops to catch her breath.

"There's only one thing Thomas cares about," I say, as the flight attendant finally turns toward me.

(Original word count: ~505 → Edited: ~292)

---

Critique

The thing about the blurb that intrigued me was the idea of a human woman being worse than the actual devil. I hoped that this was a literal devil, but (spoiler), he turns out to be just a man. That said, the blurb sets us up to expect a less-than-perfect protagonist and that's exactly what we start the story with. A self-involved, cynical, vain woman who treats people in service jobs like garbage. I find it hard to imagine wanting to read an entire book that follows this woman around, so the author made a smart choice in having Lina be counseling a friend through a heartbreak over the phone. To have her care about anything other than herself, even as minutely as she does, humanizes her enough to make reading about her bearable.

Setting

A private plane complete with bodyguards is a fantastic setting, however, since the setting is so unique, it's important to establish it before we get too far into the dialogue. In my edit, I established the fact that the women are talking over the phone in the first paragraph and the plane, bodyguards, and private bar in the second paragraph. This allows the reader to build on the correct image from the beginning, rather than abruptly switching from a presumed mundane setting to a unique one halfway through the scene.

Characterization
Lina is immediately established as cold and vain and barely interested in her friend's problem. Hana is immediately established as sweet and naive. Lina basically states that the two would not be friends if they hadn't been college roommates, but that's not necessarily a given. No doubt Hana would be the kind of person who would be hoping for a bosom friend, but I could imagine Lina going four years of college with absolutely no acknowledgement of a roommate she has nothing in common with. The fact that they are friends, and that Lina is, albeit reluctantly, counseling Hana, this automatically adds dimension to Lina's nearly one-dimensional characterization in the rest of the scene.

I love the line about Hana being the worst kind of victim in the original excerpt. In my edit, I made that the first line, partly because it's a line that says as much about Lina as it does about Hana, and partly because it's much snappier than the original first line, but conveys the same information. 

Conflict/Tension

Tons of conflict in this scene. First, we have the opposing personalities interacting with each other, second, we have a character in tears, third, the setting only exaggerates the differences between the women, we have the fact that Lina does not want to be going to New York, and we have the presence of bodyguards which doesn't hint -- it shrieks -- of danger. Also, Lina's blase attitude toward the presence of bodyguards not only works as characterization but contrasts with the tension inherent in needing bodyguards in the first place. 

---

Final Thoughts

We have a fun premise, a unique setting, and a ton of conflict. Characterization is the weakest part of this excerpt. Without the addition of Hana in this scene, she would be one-note horrible, and Hana is one-note sweet. The bodyguards are beefy and stoic, the flight attendants are flighty. However, it's not unusual or even bad to have characters start out a story as one-dimensional because we have a whole book in which to explore these characters. In the first 500 words of an action-packed dark romance, conflict is the most important, a cool setting adds flavor, and characterization can wait. So, overall, the original excerpt in combination with the blurb is a promising intro to an interesting story.

My main issue with the original excerpt was just the set-up of the scene. I was a little confused to find out, 400 words in, that we were on a plane AND on the phone. So, that's where the majority of my attention went to in my edit. 

Full disclosure: I've read most of this book. The author is obviously writing a chapter at a time, potentially from an outline, and for a first draft, the story is incredible. Lina doesn't get much warmer, but she does have genuine affection for certain characters. The 18+ scenes are some of the best I've ever read. As an Old, I started reading romance novels in the late 1980s, and am so accustomed to reading the same love scene in every book over and over, and I really enjoy how creative and character-focused each sex scene is in this book. The progression of the plot is uneven, and the author often creates minor reasons for the characters to get into fights just so that they can make up, but overall, it's just a fun read.  

I wouldn't usually say this because I try to focus on the potential of the first 500 words, but the first chapter is the weakest part of this book, and the first 500 words are the weakest part of the chapter. I say that to say that there is a lot of emphasis placed on the importance of starting a book strong, but I find it much easier to find a story that starts out strong and then gets disappointing than a book like this that starts out okay and only gets better and better. 

The author clearly has a strong grasp on the kind of story that she wants to tell, and seems to be having the most amount of fun telling it, and that's what makes it so enjoyable to read. Any of my criticisms of what I've read so far could be fixed in a second draft and polished in a third, but you can't teach an author how to enjoy telling a story, and I think that's what I and a lot of other aspiring writers are missing. For me, I want so bad for the writing to be good, that I'm too scared to write anything. The main thing that I take away from this author is that a story doesn't have to be perfectly paced with geometrically precise character arcs and a satisfying conclusion. It just needs to be a fun ride, not just for the end user, if there ever is one, but for the author.

At the end of each chapter, the author leaves a little note for the reader (this is not unusual on Wattpad, apparently). I've seen the author promise multiple times to keep writing. "This is my therapy," she has stated several times. The readers of this story recognize and feel a desperate need for the energy that the author puts into her storytelling. They don't care about typos and malapropisms. What they connect to is the author's passion. 

In this blog, I try to focus on structure because good structure creates coherent writing which makes the work accessible to more readers and impressive to critics. I have no argument against coherence, but impressive writing can also be bleak as fuck. I can't read non-genre novels because no matter how well-written they are, I end up leaving the story feeling more depressed than when I started. I like a happy ending. I also like a happy journey. 

Something I'm moving away from as a writer, is the idea that conflict in a story has to be the most traumatic thing I can think of as happening to a character. Conflict can be as simple as two best friends with diametrically opposing personalities interacting with each other. Or trying to find a piece of gum you know you had in your purse -- and the fact that you can't find it makes you question your sanity and condemn your lack of organization and spiral into terror about how if you can't organize something as small as a purse, how are you supposed to figure out your life? 

Anyway. If you're 18+ and want to witness the pure joy of storytelling as well as experiencing a ridiculous story where two sociopaths fall in love, this is a good one.